


the straw

by sokosaturne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Coming of Age, F/M, Family Bonding, Femininity, Friendship/Love, Growing Up, Haikyu - Freeform, High School, Itachi Yama, Middle School, Neighbors, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Pre-Time Skip, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Sexism, Short Story, Slow Burn, Time - Freeform, Volleyball, being a girl, doin my best cause english is argh, haikyuu!! - Freeform, kind of a reader, naru is totally inspired from barakamon's naru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 30,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27759709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sokosaturne/pseuds/sokosaturne
Summary: Naru Uehara, the noisy girl in town since to have been there forever! People still remember her playing with the Komori's son in the yard, messing with his cousin, living as happy as you can be at seven. Still growing up is tough, even more when you're a girl! And soon enough Naru will realize, that we can't help but see how fast the seasons change. But, is it really always a bad thing?🏵 A little fan fiction which depict the friendship between Motoya, Kyoomi and their noisy neighbor!🏐 a coming of age about growing up, the power of memory, femininity, passion; inspiration and finding your own path.🎗 doin my best but...;English isn't my first langage..........don't hesitate to share any mistake
Kudos: 5





	1. that day in the clearing

**Author's Note:**

> hey you, first thing first : thanks for clicking! This story wasn't supposed to be this long (5 chapters or something...failed)  
> I was just thirsting for more Sakusa content, and faster than expected, the story was written.  
> A really common plot, but I had so much fun imagining them together, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did. 
> 
> I used Sufjan Stevens album’s Carrie and Lowell to write it. So if you like playlist. This video is actually nice in the background! 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FX34TjJe-c&t=2379s 
> 
> Now, let’s see what’s hidden in the memory box. xx

  
My earliest memories of him are from that day in the clearing, which we spent when we left after school. I had never seen anyone put so much passion in something. He wasn’t particularly good, although already back then those incredible joints of his were already being talked about. But he was lit by a light. Not the sunny and scorching that we felt radiating from Komori. His was different and more subdued, and he surprised me in one save that lasted only a second, but which I remember in slow motion. He was in the sky and suddenly this singular luminous halo dazzled me. Sweet and ethereal, like the one which filters through the trees on beautiful afternoon days, and which falls on you like a gift in the rustling leaves. _Komorebi_. 

« This is my gourd » I had said a few minutes later as he took cover on a small tree trunk. There was only the sound of the other children in the group and howling cicadas, stunted against rough bark further into the woods. I had seen him dust it before he sat down. He hadn't noticed me coming in, and when I walked in front of him, he jumped off.

« Huh? » He looked really worried at the time. He glanced at the puffy fuchsia-blue plastic in his hand, only to realize that a little further away, the exact same bottle was lying on the earthy ground, bathing in the sun. 

Sakusa Kyoomi was a small boy, shrunken and silent. His eyes always seemed to look at something with boredom or contempt. He seemed lonely. But came a time, when other kids were still always revolving around him. I didn’t understand why. If Komori was a walking sunshine, Sakusa could have been compared to the moon. Decked out in his gloominess and concentration, but still shining with pale and calm gleam. 

I snatched my gourd out of his hands as I fetched my chewing gum from the back of my throat and glued it on my bottle, amused to see him run away cursing, at only eight years old.

I had tugged on the neck of my gourd, before sucking out the rest of my drink, still obsessed with the images of this disgusted boy, catching his drink a little further in the dry weeds. He looked so bleak. However, when he played volleyball everything was more intense.

And with only eight years old, while letting myself fall on the fresh grass, between the ants and the beetles, I understood what passion was, and what he was.

The whole clearing, in the black forest.


	2. komori, sakusa and i

« Urg. Did we really had to go that far? » complained Sakusa.

A pat from Motoya on the back followed his complaint, and like that we ducked into the old ground behind our houses. I rolled up the sleeves of my uniform shirt, then walked over to the old net we put there almost eight years ago.

This is where it started, when we met. I said my earliest memory of Sakusa was from that day in the glade, but that's not entirely true. This is just the time I started to pay attention to him.

As far as I remember, Motoya Komori has always been my neighbor. When we left Urasoe to drop our luggage in the Kanto. Contrary to what my parents had believed, leaving our remote islands for the nation's capital didn’t filled me with as much sadness as they expected. But because of their untamed guilt, they passed me on to my neighbors. 

To make friends, and stuff. 

« Big eyebrow! » I had yelled.

This had generated a lively reaction from my mother on the Motoya’s porch. For the trouble, he had fled, cursing. A family trait maybe. And realizing that maybe I had crossed the line. (It probably wasn’t the first time someone was calling him like that.) To be honest, his eyebrows weren’t as weird as they are now. I owned my new neighbor apologies. So I went to see him every day. I rang at his door, I waited for him after school, I watched him through the hole I had made in the gate that separated our gardens. He tried to ignored me as much as he could, but I was persistent. 

« You know I called you Big Eyebrows, but I actually like them? » I finally confessed, one day when he hasn’t been fast enough to avoid my bragging. 

« Huh? » he answered, pop eyed. His hair were chestnut, a bit like mine, and they were all over his face. He seemed welcoming and joyful. Thought, I used this excuse to forget he was not looking happy that my stalk hunt as finally worked. I had to change his point of view, otherwise. I passed though the hall in the wire mesh, scratching my skin in the process. 

« Mom says I'm lucky to have this mole on my stomach. It looks like the island I'm coming from. »

Komori Motoya’s eyelids crinkled in the sight of my bare skin. Before turning his face, acting shy for no reason. 

« So what? Get dressed at last! »

« So, I said when I let go of my purple blouse, You’re playing ball, don't you? Do you have two balls in there? » 

And I had pressed his eyebrows really fast, and very hard. Come to think of it, I would have deserved it if I hadn't spoken to me ever. But instead, he tried to hold back his laughter, and put his tongue out at me. It was by chasing him with a earthworm as usual that I found out he was playing volleyball. We had a something in common. Everything can born out of that. 

« Do you play volley? » he finally asked, curiosity picked. 

« I used to play it on the beach sometimes before. »

« I see… »

Komori ran both hands over his eyes, before pulling away from me.

« Uehara, want to make some passes? »

« Ok! But first, d’you want a chewing-gum? »

And that day, we became friends.

I had never been interested in it before, but Komori was happy to have someone to pass the ball too. Our mother finally decided to register us in a club in the neighborhood. Komori was older than me, so I followed him. Out of admiration, probably. I liked it. 

Well, that was until he started dragging his unfriendly cousin with him.

I was tall. And I loved to stick my fingers all over the place. And Sakusa is…Well, you know. Deep down inside, I cherish the idea that I may be one of the source of his germophobia.  
As mean as it may sounds. 

I don't need to talk about the time I chased him with my worm, or spat out my milkshake through my nose, or crushed my jelly against my teeth so that it went though in sticky filaments, or made a him a birthday volley-ball with a collection of old chewing gum. (That time around I had overdone it, that was absolutely disgusting.) 

I still see him screaming holding the box, and the bubble gum that rolls to wedge his shoes.  
After that he didn't speak to me for two whole weeks, but he always continued to play with me.

We were children. And all we wanted was to do discover the world and grow up.

Well, especially him. I didn’t see an adult making clods of earth, or sticking their tongues on ice poles during winter. Growing up seemed boring to death, but Sakusa and his original impassiveness already had a kind of maturity that escaped from Komori and I. To this day, he still looks the same. Just bigger. Which is already a major change in itself. 

« What are you staring at? » he said, catching me spacing out. 

Well especially to me.  
I sighed, grabbing the other side of the net Motoya throw at me. 

« This guy is always giving us orders! » he commented. 

He seemed to find me infuriating, and I enjoyed bothering him. Until that day in the clearing where for a moment I thought that if such a sparkle existed in him, we could get along.


	3. m.b. - and still, we came

« What's your name? »

« Sakusa »

« Mine is Naru. I come from Okinawa. »

« … »

« Say you don't talk much. »

« You do it very well on your own. »

« Hmm… Oh! Look! A butterfly !! »

« Yuck, but don't come near me with that! »

« Why?! »

« It's disgusting! »

« It isn’t! ... You like catching stuff too, don't you? Like balloons! »

« Yes… Not insects! Aaaaah! Let go of this thing! »

« Oooooh! It's so cool what you just done with your wrists, can I touch them? »

« No! »

« Komori! Sasuka doesn't want me to touch his wrists! »

« Sakusa doesn't like being with too much people…But…I want to touch them too! »

« AH! Can you two not come near me? » 

And still, we came.


	4. growing up is tough, even more when you're a girl

But things got tough when Komori went to middle school. Of course I had other friends, I always been social. But when it came to volley, it was a bit more difficult for me. I felt lonely. And so, I kept on playing with Sakusa and people our age, cherishing the hope that soon enough : we’ll be together again.

But it didn’t happened the way I had planned it.

Cause it was a matter of time until Sakusa would be taken away from me too.

Us, who have been playing together for almost three years, would be separate for the first time. When I think back about it, I wonder if I was stupid. But mom like to think that it was the contrary, I was so clever than at such an early age, I understood that their were differences that just don’t make sense.

« What? What do you mean _the manager?_ I want to play with them? » I had complained at the coach Daimon, of Dosho Middle School.

« Naru Uehara! You're not a little girl anymore! Join the girl's team and let the boys practice at peace, for Heaven’s sake! »

I remember the boys laughing out loud, and after I got into a verbal confusion with them, under Komori's embarrassed gaze and his cousin's unmoved one, I finally left the gym in a rage.

That night, as I sulked on my porch, pulling on my gum with my index, Komori showed up at my place after practice.

« Hey. »

« Hey. »

It was early spring, and a moth circled around the light pole behind our gardens. We watched it, spinning and circling around this light, without saying anything. Until he bumps into it. I thought about the burn and the electric current flashing through his small body in a sharp pain, before the idea that it might be dead crossed my mind: the butterfly had tried again.

« It’s stupid. » I said.

« It's very likely. »

« But it can't be taken apart, hun? »

Komori looked at me, his brown hair in front of his eyes. He was cute, and chubby he was…my best friend.

« Do you want some chewing gum? » he asked, reaching a hand out of his pocket.

« Hmm. »

We stayed in silence for a while. My hand playing with the knot of my sailor uniforme, his on the button on his black jacket. To chew all his encouragement completely futile and inconsistent. I was a complete idiot, but I knew there are things you can't do nothing about.

The time passing, which stains my panties, or points my breasts, or even makes the boys look at me with such different regard. I think he wanted to console me, but what could he have said to me? With a shrill squeak, as if to wake us up, Sakusa disembarks. There isn't a ripple on his uniform jacket, and it’s falling on his pants so perfectly that it looks like a crime.

I guess he was alone again tonight, this isn’t an hour to be hanging outside in uniform. The three of us stared at each other for a complete minute. The sound of the moth against the light buzzing in the night sky. No words were needed, but this day we all realized we were growing up for the first time.

Sakusa had stood in front of us for a moment, before running a hand through his curls and pulling the mask off his nose. He put his bag down as straight as possible before turning around, to face us. Like he always does.

« Shall we pass each other? »

He never spoke much to me very much, but that day. It was almost as beautiful as that day in the clearing. I thought I was going to cry. We had just entered middle school, and the thought of him paying attention to me got me so upset that I jumped up. I had thought that our small daily volleyball sessions would only be a good memory, and that from now on: in addition to being excluded from the club I would be excluded from this backyard that I cherish so much. Motoya didn’t know how to care, but Sakusa didn’t cared at all.

And somehow, this was what I needed.

« I'll go get a ball. » I let go as I walked past him.

« There is no way I’ll touch whatever comes from your house. »

I stopped dead. My new skirt hanging in the air, before retracing my steps. He looked satisfied, as satisfied as his pragmatism allowed him to. And I was just a kid. So I flicked my middle finger and index finger wildly over his moles, before running off.

« Id-iot. »

« Stop doing that! » he let go, grinding his teeth. A laugh echoed from the garden’ porch.

« It's been years, and it still makes me laugh so much. »

« Motoya… »

« I get it, his cousin complained with a sigh, I'm going! »

And like that Motoya passed through the fence, to bring a ball. But it could be heard in his voice. He was smiling.


	5. m.b. - i gave him mine

« What are your doing? »

« I’m building an entertainment park for insects! »

« Beurk! »

« Oh look! There is a worm in the straw! » 

« Hey but…It’s my straw! From my juice! I’m gonna faint! » 

« Oh, its so funny boing-boing keep going!! Come watch that Komori! »

« Waw, he’s really inside! How did it manage to get inside? » 

« Someone must have put it in! » 

« Pfff, surely that’s Naru's doing ! » 

« You put a worm in my straw? »

« I didn’t! It went on his own! It wanted to take a ride! » 

« How, I’m gonna drink my juice now? » 

« I don’t know, put your teeth inside the hole like that and… » 

« I’m not doing that. » 

« Ok. Then take Ko… »

« Komori already drank his! » 

« Don’t get angry Sasuka! You can take mine! » 

« Its…Erh…I’d rather not. » 

« C’mon! I didn’t touch it! Promise! » 

I gave him mine, and because I was bored, I turned a little bamboo wood I had found into a straw with the switchblade I stoled from my father, and all along while the other kids would join their parents during the break, Sakusa stayed besides me.


	6. here we are, looking at each other

« Motoya, I’m beginning to find you really attractive and it’s making me anxious. »

And with that, he posed, the ball stick between his fingers. His cheeks took a peachy tone, and then he burst out laughing.

« Naru, you can’t say it to boys like that! »

« But you aren’t any boy, that’s why it’s actually making me anxious! »

I mean…It wasn’t only with Motoya. I began to realize that boys and girls around me, all of them began to acknowledge each other through the weird prism of attractiveness, and even if I ignored the couple of confessionsI had received ‘cause it didn’t touch me before, the flattery and attention I was paying to it was beginning to grow. And it was ok, until it reached my neighbour’s porch.

« Yeah right…If I was saying that I’m beginning to think that you’re becoming really attractive too, what would you say? »

« I think you would say the truth, cause I find myself quite pretty today as well! »

Komori clacked his tongue, impassible.

« No, dumbass. Ok. Wrong exemple. »

Birds passed on the blue sky above us, their noises covered the silence let by Motoya intensive stare. He chuckled a bit, before sighing. We throw the balls at each other and then he posed again, his face brightened.

« Ok, and what If Kyoomi was about to say he finds you attractive? »

And then he send the ball, and I watched up before posing. Mesmerized.

_Sakusa?…Finding me, attractive?_

The idea seemed so genuinely absurd and impossible that I just rolled my eyes.

« Yeah the same Sakusa who gets angry at me every fucking time I get on his five meters circle by accident, that guy. »

And the ball got through his side of the dirty field again. His hands were large than before, and he rubbed them against it.

« Actually the other day, he told me so. That guy. »

And the ball got to my side again, but this time, I didn’t catch it. And it just fell somewhere from the sky to roll on the dusty ground till a pebble blocked its path.

« Well…To be more precise, Motoya add, he said : how such a pretty face has been given to the most _un-charming_ being this whole city has known. »

I remember that day, on the other side of the court. I caught him starring at me with his flushed eyebrows. He was probably criticizing the fact that I just put my dirty sport socks to fry on the window. And that afternoon, through the distance and the net searing the girls and boys side, I just muttered « what? » to him. And then he got back to his activity and I did the same. But while glowering at my face with that grumpy look, he was thinking that I was pretty?

« Don’t make that face Naru, every guy in the team - I mean even my class - says you’re one of the prettiest girl from the school. Sakusa is no different. »

I don’t know why, he laughed to himself. And I don’t know why, I got angry at him. It made Komori Motoya laugh even more. He was perceiving something I was not able to name at that time. Too young probably. But not too much.

Cause when suddenly with a squick of the door, Sakusa - that guy - appeared in the garden, holding a bunch of licorice candies. I wasn’t able to play correctly during the whole game. It was the first time something else that his game skills made me so confused.

And that afternoon, I realized that becoming a woman already took something away.


	7. m. b. - the sun, the moon, the truth

« Reading the volley magazine, again? »

« Yup, the price for the best middle school liberio has been given to someone. »

« You? »

« I wish! But no. This year it’s a guy from Miyagi »

« Sounds cold! »

« Younger than you? » 

« Yes, Kyoomi » 

« Gods... How talent is really unfairly spread! » 

« Oh Naru…Couldn’t have said it any better… » 

« If you trained harder instead of complaining maybe your name would be in the magazine. » 

« Oh, isn’t that-mister-unfairly-spread-unique-physical-ability telling us how we should act again? » 

« Yeah - that guy - it’s totally him…Look at him making that weird things with his hands. It’s disgusting. » 

« Yeah as disgusting as the pity face you make every time you can’t catch my balls… »

« Pffft! »

« Tch…That kid is too at ease, I’m the oldest in case you forgot! » 

« Then why can’t you stop acting like the youngest? » 

« Oh cut the crap you two… » 

And the magazine was left on the stoop, while the three of us placed to net, arguing as we always do.


	8. don't jinx it

« So? Akiko asked me, during lunch break, What are you going to do about it? »

I let myself sink on my chair, sipping my soda, the top of my straw full of bite marks. I was anxious, and I didn’t like this feeling. It was weird. As to to push on this topic, I caught Ken’s friend throwing me some looks. I put my hands on my face, and my shoulders shrugged. Akiko’s question was left unanswered.

This is something no one expected to happen. Especially to the dirtiest and reckless girl in the whole town. I was pretty. A bit too much for my own good, my mother has said.

I didn’t know what she meant by that, but soon enough I found out.

I noticed boys eye-siding me in class or during lunch break. It was becoming more recurrent and even if it got me a bit confused at first, I was getting used to it. But…To be asked out on a date? It was the first time I was feeling at ease enough to accept the idea that maybe, it was something convenient for my age. But for a weird reason, something was bothering me. Something I couldn’t put a finger on. I remember talking about it with my mother, my father mocking the fact that the poor boy won’t be able to survive. Akiko’s exited tone telling me I should definitely give it a try didn’t help me either. But strangely, and for an unknown reason, I hadn’t been able to talk about it to the boys. Worse, I try to keep it secret at first. But we were almost in the same grade, and in a middle school were every one knew each other, this was hardly not an interesting topic. But still, I felt….ashamed. And before time let me get over this hellish feeling, Motoya quickly grabbed my ponytail in the street, ready to gossip.

« Quit the avoiding act. It’s been two days. »

« Itai, you’re hurting me Motoya. » he let go of my ponytail and stares at me for a whole second, already looking to big for his old middle school uniform. It was not to let for running away, but Sakusa was it him, ice cold and grumpy. I don’t think I would have been able to support his disgusted stare. Not today.

« Let’s go home together, we have a lot to catch on, hum? » Motoya aded, eyebrow arched likeasteroids leaving their trajectory. His eyes were brownish and hot, burning like syrup on pancakes. Fluffy and sticky, curious and resolved. I was trapped. He smirked, before getting on my side.

« Shall we? »

We already took the station on our own, and know we needed to walk a bit past the quiet streets of the neighborhood. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, and to my surprise, Sakusa broke the silence.

« Unusual for you to stay this quiet. » I couldn’t stop me from sending him lightings with my eyes. He was probably really happy to know he could bother me for once. Motoya teased me.

« Love turned you into the perfect little shy girl? » I « tch »-ed him.

« There’s isn’t an inch of love in my body. Especially in this right moment. »

Sakusa arched an eyebrow, and a smile separated my neighbor’s lips.

« So, you’ve been asked on a date? Everyone is talking about it. »

I sighed. This didn’t left me other choice but to talk about it. Al least, for a bit. But…

« Do I have to speak in front of him? »I asked, designing Sakusa with my chin. Motoya took a good look at his cousin face, who’s face didn’t shown any form of hurt.

« Sakusa’s almost, always there… » said Motoya. I pouted, turning my face in the opposite directions. My pride was at stake.

« Maybe but…This time, it’s personal… »

Someone chuckled. But it was not Komori, it was Sakusa. In a reflex, my eyes looked for his.

« Well it don’t usually matter to you…Like the time when you bragged about your first period. Or the one when you complained about your parents cause they’re were always making fun off you and it made you feel stupid and this time when you fought with Akiko from the class 3-2 and replaced her monthly shojo magazine by a 18-Rat- »

« Ok, I cut him, my cheeks as red as the highway signal, you act all high and disinterested but you didn’t miss any detail, hun! »

Motoya burst out laughing, and Sakusa shrugged. It was hypocritical to me to act like he was a bother. He wasn’t such a thing. He never been. But the fact that all this time he acknowledge it put a strange heat in my belly. I sighed.

« That date thing is driving me crazy. It’s just that…He proposed to go out the day when I have a match and…I don’t know where I should go. »

« Why can’t you do both? » said Motoya. Which was logical. I already asked the guy the same, but he was too busy at other times. I could invite him at the match but...

« I though that for once, I could stop going and it wouldn’t be a problem but I don’t know if a want someone to invade this space…It makes me feel bad. »

« Why? Once is not a big deal! » said Motoya.

« I know but…I can’t say it out loud. »

« What? »

« C’mon, spill it. » said Sakusa. Less tender than his cousin was.

« You never missed anything. And…I don’t want to loose.»

Motoya and his cousin shared a look, before turning to me. And they seemed, almost reassured.

« Then don’t go. »

« What? »

« Keep playing with us, someone else will invite you. And he will adapt his schedule perfectly, so both of you could enjoy in totally, whiteout feeling like someone left a piece of himself at home. That’s what bothering you, right? »

« Oooh…I wouldn’t have said it any better! » exclaimed Motoya.

And I just kept staring at Sakusa. Unable to speak, unable to breath.

That’s true. I had pushed so much pression on myself, for such futile reasons. I realized both of them were looking at me, and a hint of pride passed in my sun’s moon eyes. I bit my lip.

« Are you talking about yourself, Sakusa? »

He frowned, before turning his face away. A bit shaken. He looked really unpleased by the idea.

« Don’t jinx it! » 

Don’t jinx it.


	9. m.b.- the truth at thirteen

« What? Going to the All Japan Middle School Athletic Tournament? Already? Both of you? » 

« Yeah! I was so shocked like…It’s been a couple of month since we joined the team and we already gonna participate in the competition! » 

« That’s a great honor and a great chance! »

« Yeah but still…I liked Eizan-senpai’s game style. I would have loved to watch him play a bit more. » 

« It’s ok, he’s gonna back you up. » 

« You look happy Motoya, I’m so proud of you! » 

« Thanks Naru, I was a bit sick to leave for middle school without you two but I guess it’s for the best. » 

« Hmm…And You, Sakusa, happy to join the main team? » 

« Thanks to his amazing hands. » 

« Lmao, it’s definitely not because of his super cheer-team spirit! » 

« I’m a good player, so it’s normal people entrust the games to me. » 

« This dude…Can’t he speak like someone his age? » 

« Maybe he's beginning to think highly of himself because of it! » 

« Don’t be envious, Naru. » 

« What? » 

« You didn’t join the main team this year, right? » 

« Oh Kyoomi, you’re walking on a risky path with that one. » 

« Pfff…I just wanted to let the other girls the pleasure to play too. Don’t think of yourself so importantly! Anyway. Wait for me, next year I’m coming for you, worms. »

« Hey! I just took a few inches, Naru! » 

« Stop blabbering and do it the . Come for us. I’ll be watching. » 

The truth was that at thirteen, they became titulars in our small middle school team, and soon enough were noticed by one of the most prestigious high school volley club in the city. The year after, I trained my ass off and joined the main team. Just as I said I will. But deep down I knew, I had been chosen because nature has offered me long legs, long arms, good reflexes and two of the most futur best players of Japan as partners.


	10. m.b. - will do

« Oy. »

« Oooooy. »

« Naru? » 

« Oh…Hey! Sakusa, what d’yo- »

« Where is he? » 

« Yeah, I’m doing fine! Thanks for asking? » 

« …Is Motoya with you? »

« No. He must be chasing after a girl or something. He didn’t answer his phone? » 

« No. I was counting on him to catch some balls for me. »

« Ah right, you have an important entertainment in the corner. Good luck! »

« This idiot! »

« Sorry, Sakusa, better try later. » 

« Ok, will do. » 

« What? » 

« Come down. You’re not that bad. Your skills will do. » 

« Orh…Comin’…Well, I was expecting a different kind of serenade at my window, though… »


	11. bruised knees

The school bell resonated in the stairway, and the girls of my class got out in giggles, the fabric of their skirt crumpling against their knee socks. It was the end of the day, and my teammates were waiting for me in the changing rooms.

« Naru; called me Hana, We going to the mall? Want to come? » Akiko and Mayu also turned to me, awaiting for an enthusiastic « yes ». I sighted, I couldn’t give them what they wanted.

« Sorry girls, I have to train today. »

« Again? But there this new shop that have opened! It’s super cute and you said you’d love to go? »

Akiko, Hanna and Mayu were the most girly and funny people I’ve ever met. We began to hang out this year, after a class group project. I knew Akiko for longer though, since we were in the same elementary school.

I could perfectly read her pouty face, which looks subtly different for her casual one.

Yeah I know…The image of the cute boutique came to my mind. Every girl in town was waiting for it to welcome her hungry-for-sweets-and-selfcare teen self.

« I know…It’s just…Girls are waiting for me and… » The image of the competition coming in a couple of mouth, circled in red on the calendar came to my mind. Almost the last one of my middle school life.

There had been a time in my life where I would have worked my ass off to get it done right, just to stay in the same level as the boys. But now…I felt…Almost lazy.

« Ok, club activities are cool and stuff but aren’t you tired of sweating all the time and jumping after a ball? »

« Right, insisted Hana, what’s the perks of doing that anyway…Sports class are tiring enough! »

« You passed too much time doin' it, pursued Akiko, and not enough having fun. You’re not longer a child. »

« It’s ok, it’s not like you wanted to become a pro or something, right? » wondered Mayu, a strand of her hair enrolled around her white finger. I ignored the sight of my tan-kissed skin.

Well, they weren’t lying but…

« My teammates are counting on me…And I finally became a titular so… »

« I know, responsibilities, blahblah,… we understand. Began Akiko, rolling her eyes. She bit the corner of her lips, before revealing what’s been bothering her.

Their ideas weren’t stupid, and actually quite common. I used to tell them that they couldn’t understand, but these days, it seems I can’t really manage to do it either.

« Naru but… It’s just…I don’t want you to regret anything. We’re already in the last year of middle school. That’s all. Feel free to do what you want. » concluded Akiko.

_Regrets?_

What a strange word that never really passed in my head before. Was it the name of this pressure that made my mood going down these days? And would it stay forever?Was I apprehensive towards… feeling… _regrets_?

« I mean, I always though it was because of your friend Komori, right? But since almost three years, you're on your own…It wasn’t because of that? »

« Yeah but…Not exactly… »

Ok, we used to play a lot of volley, but during the holiday we would also go the the pool, play football or collection Yu-Gi-Oh cards. We would chase after beetles and camp in the garden. We would play hide and seek then go the the arcade game. We would do so many thing besides volley, then…It’s not like I did need it to hang with him…And after the accident, I began to slack off so...

Why did I continue to play it without them for almost three years?

« Ok…Then, do what you want. I’ll text you when I’ll go home! » said Akiko, a bit disappointed. I know they didn’t wanted to hurt me, but those odd interrogations were running wild in my head.

And like that, my classmates continued their way out of the school. I watched them getting away, giggling. 

I thought back about all my session, all the energy I had given to play, how I would brag about my freshly received place in the team. Why would I let my friends, smiling and laughing in the streets, paint their nails on weekend and fooling around with boys, to go on a field that reeks of lonely socks and wax and cheap soap? Is this how I wanted to spend the rest of my school days?

Motoya screamed my name on this other side of the school, getting ready to go to his practice sessions. Sakusa behind him, gave me a brief salute, hidden under his mask, and I raised my hand to answer him.

The bandage on my little finger caught my attention.

I took a look at my work-hardened hands, at the bruises that floor slats and backyards’s pebbles had rooted on my knees. It was painless, still the vision troubled me. Why someone would inflige such a harsh treatment into himself? And at first,…

Why did I started playing?


	12. m.b.- i went

« Kusuke from class 2-1 said he’s gonna invite you to go out. Again. » 

« Really? Yeah I heard it during lunch, since last time they asked if the two of us are going out. » 

« On God, it was so funny! » 

« Remember I can always play your boyfriend if it gets you more at ease. » 

« It’s ok. No need to lie. Honestly, I might accept it this time. » 

« Seriously? Finally got a crush? » 

« Not really but…I don’t know, I’m bored! » 

« You have training with the girls tomorrow, after school. » 

« Oh Kyomi, it’s you ! Your mum told me you would come. » 

« You shouldn’t let her go away from her responsibilities like that, Motoya. » 

« Ah… It’s ok, they’re enough girl in our middle school volley club! » 

« Yeah, but you’re one of the tallest. » 

« Oh God, you’re talking like the coach Daimon! » 

« See? Even him say so. You shouldn’t fool around with some random boy and get to the place you engaged yourself first. » 

« What? Please Motoya tell you cousin to mind his-freshly-received-titular-title and leave my agenda alone. » 

« I thinking Naru-who-is-invited-to-a-date-tomorow said you should my your business, Kyoomi. » 

« Go on, you two. Laughing like that won’t make you go further than you are. » 

« Oh! Motoya did you hear? Laughing like that won’t get you further that you are…Well, At least, not as far as the first-libero-who-isn’t-a-senior for the first time in a row! » 

« Yeah, totally! I couldn’t go as far as that if I was laughing so much with the tallest-prettiest-and-skilliest girl of the whole school! » 

« You know what. Fuck off. » 

« Sakusa? Sakusaaaaa? » 

« He left? What’s with him today? » 

« Nooooo, he really left! I’m gonna piss my pant! » 

« He forget his mum’s package… »

« Listen, both of you! You better forget this date and go to your training tomorrow or I’m gonna tell your coach, got it Naru? Give me that. Now, I’m leaving. » 

And the thing is, I went.


	13. I bled alone in the backyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (tw : minor injury, mention of blood)

« So you went to the date? » 

« Yeah, and it was boring as fuck! » I pouted at Motoya. His lips cracked into a smile. 

« Waw, that’s harsh! » 

« No, I mean, Ken is really nice and all but…I don’t know… » 

The vision off my outing came back to my mind. I didn't wanted to think about it anymore. 

« Well at least you got your answers, right? » 

« Yeah you could say that…All the girl in middle school say I’m lucky but…Anyway. »

I tried to pass him the ball and I missed again. Motoya sighed. It was not the first time to day. Not the first time this week. 

« Ooooh Naru, we’re going nowhere like that. » 

« You missed the training to go to a date? » asked a raspy voice coming from behind the fence. Shivers ran though my spine, and out of inattention, the ball fell on my face. 

« Oi, Kyoomi you’re late. I was waiting for you. » 

« Sorry, I had to pass to the drugstore to buy hydro-alcoholic gel. » 

« A Kyoomi’s like excuse! said Motoya to his cousin, I’ll got get my bag in my room then let’s go. » 

Motoya disappeared in his house. I was passing my hand on my aching nose. I didn’t had the time to grabbed the ball at my feet that Sakusa was throwing an another one at me. 

« You startled me! » I growled. His tosses were already difficult enough to catch, like this it was worse.

« You won’t grab anything correctly with nails like those…» he commented, smirking. I grinned, before showing my freshly pink and pearly fingers, smiling like a peste. Akiko has brought me to a manucure centre the day before my date. My hand never looked more beautiful. 

« Isn't that pretty? »

But the dark lines on his forehead assured me that he wasn't impressed at all. 

« It's mostly a bacteria nest…»

Again with the Sakusa’s like answer. I rolled my eyes. 

« Everything is a bacteria nest with you… »

« Everything is a bacteria nest, and that’s why I’m trying to take care of myself as much as I can. You should do the same. » 

I was used to his stingy reproaches. But this one were coming from deeper in his disregard. I felt attacked. 

« What do you mean? » 

We gazed at each other for not even a second that he turned away from my direction before shrinking his hands his is yellow tracksuit’s pockets, ignoring my question. 

« You should get ready, all the first years have join the camp for the golden week. » 

« She’s not going. » interrupted Motoya, before sitting to lace his shoes in the backyard. 

« What’s your excuse this time? » Sakusa continued. 

« She wants to go out and do what other girls do or whatever. She’s going to regret it later. » 

His eyebrow rose. And I grinned my teeth, a bit pissed. 

« Stop talking like I wasn’t there Motoya! » 

As a well deserved punishment, I get closer to him and press those eyebrow who made me feel so ridiculous a second ago. He made a recoil movement, and complained. 

« Aouch! Don’t press my eyebrow with your nails like that! » 

« Yes, stop stinking your claws all over him. » said Sakusa, grimacing.

The though « I hate boys » crossed my mind for a second. But I couldn’t get angry. It was unusual for them to be both against me. I felt like I did something wrong. It was awful. 

« Don't say it like that, it's dirty. » I pouted. 

« It’s not what’s gonna stop you anyway. » said Motoya, finishing putting his shoes. I sent the ball to him, hoping it would hit him but it didn’t. He caught it before sending it back while putting his raincoat. Sakusa grabbed the ball and throw it at Komori, who dressed just in time to toss me again, to loop the loop. I was going to catch it correctly this time but I press too hard and the ball felt, knocking the ground in a dusty sound. 

« Tch. » 

« You cut yourself with you nail, right? » Sakusa said. I couldn’t bring myself to look up.

The bloody finger I was holding in pain in my hands confirmed his says. He sighed. 

« Oh, Naru! Called Motoya, worried, Are you ok? » 

« Yeah it’s nothing…Just a broken nail, a bandage will do. » 

« I’m really sorry, but if we missed the bus we - »

« It’s ok. Have a safe trip. » 

Motoya walked first, turning to me a few times before going out. Sakusa followed him, then stopped, to drown his eyes in me. Abysmal. Before turning his back, and go away. Then I noticed.

He was taller than me. 

And like that, they disappeared through the backyard. I closed the door before passing through the hole in the wire mesh, my bloody finger was making the manucure look like a halloween scene. A strong feeling of loneliness invade me. And for a second, I remembered why sometimes I hated growing up. 

It takes me away from him.

And this morning was one of those times, that take me away from the three of us. Our knees full of soil, our heads in the clouds.


	14. put cream on it

« I didn’t expect my silly daughter to become such a fine lady. » has said my father to me, once I was watching TV. I had throw a pillow on him, the dry sound covered under the laugh of my mother. 

« He’s saying you are pretty, Naru. » 

« Yeah, he could just have said so without putting a negative hint in it. » 

My parents mocked my pouty face, while the message tune of my phone rang. I opened it.  
My thoughts wandering in the event of the weeks. It was Akiko, and she was wondering what my answer will be this time…Again. 

« What’s with the long face? » asked my mother, pouring us tea. I took a sip, trying to ignore her question. But daddy went on. 

« She was asked to go on a date and don’t know how to react. »

« Papa! » I yelled. Which made him turn in my direction. 

« Honey, again with your incredible deductions skills? » asked my mum. I rolled my eyes. 

« You peeked in my phone? » 

Dad rolled his eyes, too. Of course he didn’t. It was worse, he red it on my face. 

« I know how my daughter work, I build her myself. » Mum chuckled and I rolled my eyes again. What else could I do? 

« I’m going in my room. » 

« Don’t let a boy fool you… » said my mother before I left the living room. 

« Fool her? It’s for the boy I’m most worried about. » My mum laughed again, and I tried to repress the smile on my face while regaining my room. 

It has been days since my curtains were closed. Now, was maybe the right time, I opened them and let fresh air get in my room. To clear my mind for it’s mes..

« Finally! » let out a voice. I threw myself on the ground, trying to be as silent as possible. 

« I know you’re there Naru. You’ve been avoiding me all the weekend, that’s not going to work…It never did. » 

I kept watching my ceiling for a second, before raising. My skull was still painful from the ponytail grab. I got up, knowing I looked ridiculous. He smirked. Motoya was in front of his room window, the one in front of mine. It was rather practical when we wanted to exchange school notes or throw some balls, though since he joined high school, I don’t see him as much as before.

But today it felt like a violation of my private space. 

Motoya chuckled, just like if my thoughts were written on my face. 

« Starting to talk like Kyoomi? » I sighed. It was too late, I had lost this time, While we’re at it… »

« Don’t act like a mysterious girl, it doesn’t look like you. » cut Motoya, scoffer. I send flying the first object I found in his direction. He caught it with one hand. 

« Starting to talk like Kyoomi? » I retorted, but what I didn’t expect was to see his one of his curls appeared through the open window. The heat rose to my cheeks. I had called him with too much familiarity. He starred at me glaring for a whole second, before chuckling.  
The sound surprised me, and Motoya repeated his question. 

« So, what’s wrong? Why are you psyching about this time? » The vision of what happen in the street the other day came to my mind. Haaa. The tension Sakusa’s obnoxious star had left my body, but another one grow in my chest. 

« I’m not allowed to have some secrets or what? » I complained. Both Motoya and Sakusa facing me, without flinching. Normal people gets feverous when I burst out, but they don’t. 

I sighed again, letting my hands hang on the window sill, my head on it. 

« Spit what on your mind and let’s move on together, it’s getting tiresome. » finally concluded Sakusa. He was turning and stretching his wrist, as usual. 

« First times, and other girly things a dumb boys like you could never understand! »

« I don’t know about the girly things, but I may tell you what I know about first ti-itai! » Sakusa has probably kicked his cousin spitting nonsense. I couldn’t content a smirk. Serves him. 

« It’s volley that makes you feel left out like that? » finally explained Motoya, massing his tibia. I lift my chin. 

« How did you guess? » 

« I am the more mature and experienced person here. » he was obviously half-jocking. The chips of birds pushed him to keep on. 

« C’mon Naru, it’s written all over your face. » 

I straightened up, my long hair strong covering my face, then sat on the sill. I’ve never been good at hiding things. That’s why I’m shouting most of the time, maybe all these noise is made to hide what I want to stay hidden, but in fact it make just show even more. That’s why people around me laugh at my vain attempts to be discreet. My head on my ball joints not totally facing them, I asked whiteout to spell things out. 

« Why d’you continue to play? » 

The question was directed towards them both, and they answered simultaneously. 

« Because Motoya loves it. » 

« Because Kyoomi is obsessing about finishing things… » 

I smiled, and Sakusa didn’t looked bothered at all. 

« The fact that you saying it as it it was a defect show how messed up your perceptions are. It’s perfectly normal. » 

« If it’s just about being unsure, then stop. » let out Komori. Sakusa nodded. I was taken aback. 

« More easy, to say, than do, though. » completed Motoya, 

« Both of you have a reason, I realized that I was quite unsure about what my were. I’m being too old to be bother by competition. It’s a disease. » 

« If you think competition is a disease, it means you still have a lot to learn. » muttered Sakusa. I rolled my eyes. That judgmental prick. 

« Again with his old-wise guru tone. » Motoya puffed. But the truth is, I was interested in what he has to say. And something in me told me that he knows it. 

« When you’re competing, it means you’re giving your all, don’t you? » 

« I do! » screamed Motoya, childlike, rising his hand. Sakusa ignored his hypocritical act and went on. 

« It’s never a waste of time to give your all in something. » Those words were clichés and automatic, but in his mouth they sound like the only truth. 

« How can you be so sure of it? » I wondered. 

His pitch-black eyes were opaque, doubtless. I envied that. 

« I’m not sure of it. So I’ll continue. To seek for answers. That’s why we’re all doing. » 

« Whooo what you say is so pretty Sakusa, you’re passing to much time with Iizuna… » 

His cousin who’s face was posed on his arms by the window turn to him, looking really entertained by what he had said. Sakusa starred in the void for a second, before scratching his neck? Then smiled. 

« Yeah, I’ll guess you’re right on that. » I finally let go. 

It was ungrateful of me. To complain about trivial things like that, and then wondering why they were so sure about everything. Isn’t a trait all boys had own common? Acting thoroughly, believing in themselves. I had acted like that too, once. But I guess becoming a young girl was trying to confiscate this trait. Isn’t what society does to us? Making us unconfident and unsure about everything? 

They were right. Even if I was at the same point as before, my questions unsolved I had no other choices but to seek on this mystery, to look out for myself, and thus by myself. To trust this little voice that was always bringing me back on the field, even if sometimes, I was ghosting it. 

« Sorry for calling you a wise-guru… » I was playing with my fingers, ashamed of myself, and my eyes felled on the callosities on my skin. I immediately let go, and something came flying in my directions. 

« You’re welcome. We’ll put that on first times and dumb girl things. » said Sakusa. Motoya chuckled. 

I looked back at my hands. It was a small tube, with a super pink and cute packaging. It was coming for the shop I wanted to go in a few days ago. It smelled so good, sakura like. 

« Put cream on it. Problem solved. »


	15. m.b.- it must be that

« Say, Sakusa, why are you playing volleyball? »

« Because I started it. »

« Hmm ... That’s all? »

« Why? »

« I don’t know, that’s a dull answer. »

« Sorry to deceive you. »

« On the contrary, I am not disappointed: it looks like you! »

« Naru, you will hurt my cousin if you keep going…"

« That wasn’t what I meant! But he must admit that it’s not the only reason! »

« I personally believe it! »

« Liar. You crossed your fingers! »

« Maybe but don't tell him… »

« I hear you even if you whisper, idiot. »

« ...She's right! Stop lying. Mum says only bad people do so! »

« I don’t own you two anything… »

« You like to play, it's obvious! »

« I never hid myself from it that I know »

« Yes but..still! When I say you like it, I mean: you love it, literally! »

« Huh? »

« You don't like it the way we enjoy candies or the arrival of the summer holiday! Yes! It's as if you were… Lighting up! »

« What? »

« I agree with Naru! »

« Pff… Are you fan of me or something? »

« Must be that, I'm totally fan of you, Sakusa! »


	16. m.b.- about sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (tw : blood, period, menstruation)

« And then their was blood everywhere and…Some place of it is not even red, like…it’s stayed like this for hours…Maybe days! » 

« Oh! That’s awful! » 

« Which horror movie are you bragging about this time? » 

« It’s not a horror movie, Kyoomi. » 

« Yeah we’re talking about my period. » 

« Oh…Kyoo-? » 

« Sakusa, you okay? » 

« I’m not! It’s…No one wants to hear about it! » 

« Actually I did…But I’m beginning to regret it. » 

« Why? »

« I don’t know, it’s seems…weird. » 

« It is. I feel tired inside, then sometimes filled with a strong energy! » 

« More than you usually are? » 

« Yes! I wanted to have fun with you, that’s why I didn’t attend today,’s practice sessions. » 

« You used it as an excuse? »

« Though you didn’t want to hear about it, Sakusa. » 

« I absolute hate being with too much people, especially the one I don’t know. But still I attend each session, and participate in activities. » 

« It’s not the same. » 

« It may not exactly be the same, but people will try to use this to diss you, and you can’t let them do it. » 

« Your weird obsessions has nothing to do with blood and pain. » 

« Motoya’s right on this one. »

« Don’t stare at him like that, Sakusa. » 

« I’m trying to hel-…I’m going to tell your mum how you have no sense of privacy. » 

« Mum says it’s just how nature is… » 

« Mrs Uehera! » 

« Stop! Ok I’m sorry I’ll stop. Please don’t tell her. I won’t miss the next training! »


	17. period

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (tw : blood, period, menstruation)

« Must sucks being the only girl » had once said someone to me while a was playing with Komori and Sakusa in the glade. 

« Why? » I had asked. Cause I didn’t understand how it could actually sucks. 

« I see you often hanging in the clearing. It’s been years. Mrs Uehara, You won’t be able to stick with them forever, you know that, right? » 

I hated how « Mrs » sound in his mouth. Almost like an insult he wasn’t aware of. But I didn’t show it. 

« Why, will it be a problem, old man? » I had continued. Komori was looking bored that we were gutted while playing. But the man kept bragging how time will took everything from me, will distribute capacity unequally. Make them bigger, bolder, stronger and how all these qualities, were too heavy to fit in my fragile girl’s body. 

« Sakusa throw the ball in the man’s direction. It spun like crazy in the most unprovable angle I had ever seen, before falling on his nose, to meet the ground at the same time as the blood drop. I don’t know how many times Sakusa’s older siblings said sorry that day, promising it was an incident. But behind his back, I had saw it.

His fingers crossed. 

But even if he would have wanted, Sakusa couldn’t stop every people who would’ve told me so. Even if in knew he tried. He took me a long time to understand.

He took me a long time to understand that they’re wasn’t a hint of fragility inside me, only all the sayings around me were just taking all the place. Instead of being bigger, bolder, stronger, I was being filled with the poisonous ideas that some things weren’t for the one of my kinds. And just like the man bleed that day, It would one day comes down to my face, and I would be hurt.

And, just like a curse. It occurred. 

Everyone remembers the day of my first period. Even if my mother had prepared me about it, and if I red it secretly on the school infirmary, I screamed. I screamed cause I had never seen so much blood and I thought, I would faint. It was…a crime scene, it felt like something was hurting in me, shouting for a help I couldn’t bring. 

I tried to get rid of it with paper and water, and after that my father came in my room completely panicked. I felt so ashamed that I run at the window and jumped to hide in Motoya’s room. I missed my catch and find myself hanging at his small balcony. I must have stayed like this for second when the owner of the room finally showed up, eyes wide asking me what the fuck I was doing, the vision of blood came to my mind again, and my hands numbed. I fell. 

I don’t know what happened after that. Just that I had shoved my ankle and that I couldn’t do sport for the next three weeks. I was in fourth grade. That’s the moment when I began to take bad habits. I was pissed at first, no to able able to play but I realized I had more time to hang out with Akiko and the girls. We went shopping, to the cinema, fooled around after school. Usually I couldn’t do that often. It was nice. I could put my hair in curls without knowing I would look like a dry poodle at the end of the training…It tasted nice, being a young girl. Even if ever month, the same stain would come and made me feel as numb as they did when I first bled. 

They say you’ll learn to read your body, so I wonder, why am I still surprised, every time? 

I lost blood, lots of it. 

Back then I didn’t understand what Sakusa’s clumsy word meant. I though his comparisons between his germaphobia had nothing to do with a condition I didn’t choose. That he couldn’t compare his whims to menstrual pain. That he was a dumb boy. And he may have been, on some aspects. But, I do see today, why he made such a parallel. 

We were build differently, because of different reasons. Some call it nature, other whims. And if it seems like an enough reason to be extract from the society, it’s not true. That doesn’t mean that we can’t participate in the world. That we completely have to shut in, in the name of purity.

You have to adapt. Your body is not a tool, it’s a vessel. You have to listen to it, to take care of it. Even if sometimes, it’s speaking a really weird language. 

I realized it later, that I was scared to loose the control of myself. And that Sakusa, who couldn’t control his anxieties either, decided to accept them as they were, and moved on. 

That day, when I woke up broken in my bedroom, Sakusa was there. Komori’s sweatshirt on a chair. He came back a few moments later with licorice and soda my Mum gave him. But while he was gone, Sakusa had approached my bed. And told me something, that still makes me cry to this day. 

He said: « Komori heard something before the fall. »

I answered in a grumpy tone. I didn’t know what he was doing here, my mind was in the limb of slumber and ache. But he was looking damn concerned, it wasn’t like him, so… Seriously, what could I have fucking said in such a time and place?

« I’m dying. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, i didn't comment a lot about my old chapter but this one is quite.. more personal for me than the others! Guess it must come from my experience of it. no worries, I didn't jump out of the window but to this day my hands still numb when it happens. I wonder if it will ever stop;;;
> 
> well, romantising it through the experience of Naru makes it a memorable anecdote from her childhood, and I like the idea behind it. Cause our first time (and the ones that came after lmao) are surely a memorable event for each one of us, a happy or sad one I don't know, either way I wish you're at peace with it today.
> 
> hope you enjoyed it!


	18. m.b. - there’s nothing they have that I don’t

« The jellyfish really stung me… » 

« See? You keep messing around at the beach, and now our mums want us to stay in the pool. » 

« Sakusa doesn’t seem bothered at all. » 

« The idea of chlore makes me feel better. » 

« That’s some dumb reflexion! » 

« Shut up, Motoya! All my anxieties are founded and you can’t prove me otherwise! »

« Well, the pool isn’t that bad! We still can swim! » 

« No! Naru you lost your bikini upper part! » 

« And what? » 

« Mom, Naru is almost naked in the pool » 

« Shht! What nonsense are you speaking I have nothing that you don’t have and still I should wear something? That’s ridiculous! » 

« Oh Naru! You lost your swimsuit again! » 

« Mum! » 

« Oh that’s actually quite cute Mrs Uehara. »

« Her father keeps on telling me to stop buying her those, but they look so adorable! » 

« Grrr! Aunty! Naru jumped from the border and put water all over the place! » 

« Well…I guess, my husband was right. Havin’ a boy wouldn't have been that different. »


	19. orange juice

« Nothing just tastes bitter. It’s salty, sweet and sour, but never bitter alone. » once said my father to me. It was the day we went home, after my parent came picking me up in the principal’s office. Another amazing day to add to the incredible things I’ve done. 

I had written my name on the boy list club, during my first months in at the Dosho Middle School. After insisting on the fact that I wasn’t talking about being a manager, of course, my teacher explained to me that it wasn’t possible. 

« Naru, you can’t play official matches with your friends like you used to, but it doesn’t mean you can’t play anymore. » 

But that wasn’t it. She didn’t understand. And I didn’t either at that time. 

So I ignored what she said, and present myself at the first meeting. I remember their faces, of all of them. The boys who laughed at me, the teachers unable to know how to react. But I never knew how Sakusa and Motoya looked, cause there isn’t an instant when I turned my face to them. I didn’t expect them to cheer me on. I didn’t want their pity or whatever. I wanted them to act like they always did, when we were in the same team. I came for a whole week, even if the coach never once let me play, even if he ask me to stop doing so, that the girls team was cool too. 

I just bowed sayin' that I was sorry, cause I really was. But not once I promised I’ll stop. I wanted them to forgive the school for making such a mistake, to excuse myself cause contrary to all of those people, I understood. 

And I kept doing that for a whole week, staying in the court playing on my own, watching from afar. Not once I felt shame or pettiness. Even if the voice of my teacher was playing for the whole lesson in my head. It’s not that I don’t like the girls team. It’s not that I think I can’t play anymore. But, what would be the point, if I couldn’t play with them? 

The day before the final selection, the coach Daimon still sighed while seeing me coming inside. And for the first time in my life, I think I felt scared. I never felt something like that. My parents were quite confused about how curious and skeptical I was about everything. To the point it was dangerous, to the point it was scary. But the heavy anxiety that girth my chest that day was what common people felt and called « the fear ».

I needed to occupy my hand, and so I took my class bag and went in the changing room. 

When I entered back, the court was quiet. All the children in a row, hands behind their back, straight, serious, and concentrate. But a strange vibe was buzzing around us. Around everyone in the room.  
Something had happened. Something big. 

I don’t know what was said when my father entered the gymnasium, out of breath. But he passed a hand on my freshly cut hair, and help me reput the t-shirt I had taken off. He didn’t yelled at me, though everyone in the court was either silent by shock or hilarity. 

I waited on the bench outside during the whole time the principal had been lecturing my father. 

When he got out, he sat next to me. We were almost alone in the school backyard, he gave me an orange juice he bought in the vending machine, and I nibbled my straw in the metallic spray noise his café can made. 

« It’s bitter. » I had said. I had drank a lot of orange juice before, but this time the bitterness felt stronger than before, invading my mouth, my throat, leaving me unable to breath.  
I don’t remember crying, but I know that daddy took me in his arms. 

And that’s the moment when he told that. Nothing just tastes bitter. 

I didn’t understood completely what he meant back then. I think that today, I do. But still, at that time. I snorted on his tie. And he laughed. He didn’t say anything about the fact that I had stand half-naked at eleven years old, or that hair on my head was a total mess. My mother did it after, though. 

« There is nothing they have that I don’t. » 

I whispered. 

My tongue rough and itchy. Papa kneeled in front of me and took my face between his hands.

« Yes. And you have so much more than they have. » 

And like that, the boys got out of the court. The selection was over and everyone was getting back home. My father had waited, probably so he could excuse himself to the Coach. I don’t know what they exchange has been made of, but later on the coach Daimon became really tiring with me. Always on my back, yelling at me at the other side of the girls court, to mock at me or to cheer me on, I never received that answer. 

What I know is that my father finally came back. « Let’s go home » he said. I nodded, the whispers of the people still around me. I said it before, not once I turn myself to see the boys. But while turning my back on the gymnasium that evening, my eyes meet Sakusa’s. And to my surprise, he was smiling. Like not once he ever did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......this chapter is also...aaargh, I love them so much.........


	20. we were high schoolers

At that time, I did not understand. I only had volleyball in mind, and I absolutely had to play it. 

Let me play it with them.

And I kept chasing them, harassing teachers, during those four fucking years of middle school. Motoya was - finally - a few inches past me, I started to watch the net drift away in our courts differently. The way they screamed change to, thundering differently in their larynx, from their boyish voices, to a more hoarse one I would mock, until they became those of men whom, strangely, I seemed to have always known, asking me to pass the ball to them. But that wasn't enough to hold me down. I tapped the light as much as I could, tireless, my organs burned out, as the butterfly confronts the light again, and again, and again. But when I saw how Sakusa landed, with all the length it had taken this summer, I realized that there are gaps that not even will and enthusiasm can fill. Then I injured myself. And I may have forget. 

But deep inside, I still felt it. That urge I couldn’t name. Or refrain. 

I wanted to stay with them. I just wanted ... Us to be together.

One day when we got home from school, I was surprised to discover that Motoya was not waiting for me at the exit as usual. Instead, barely leaning against the wall, there was Sakusa, readjusting in his new uniform.

« Waw, soon you'll dare to lean completely on it! » I teased him, to hide my surprise to find him there. It was early April, and we just joined Itachi Yama as second graders. 

He didn't even roll his eyes and directly evade my point.

« Motoya had an impediment. He won't be able to go home with you, today. »

« I see. »

There was a little silence, during which we settled in without quite knowing what to say. The entrance court was empty. Both of us had just finished the first club activities in the new space we would be a part of for the three next coming years. With different yet similar hopes and uncertainties in mind. 

But I wasn't uncomfortable, and I don't think he was either. Again, it was the two of us. By now, we were use to it. I smiled at him.

« He could have texted me on my cell phone. »

« Your cell phone is probably at home. »

The image of my Metro Pink Sony Ericsson left alone on the dinner table draw itself in my head. I laughed. He knew me well. 

« Understand me, Sakusa : between Akiko’s texts and the - how could you say - hints on the way, nothing pushes me to carry it everywhere. »

He stared at me for a second. Did it find it curious, dit it find it stupid? His eyelids were too heavy for me to undercover his secrets. But even if I reach them, I had no guarantee that my questions would be answered. 

« So I told you what I had to say! » And like that he walked away. It made me chuckled because ... It's a choice he would soon regret.

It was awkward. I didn’t live in the same neighborhood as him, but it was in the same arrondissements. We were taking the same train line, his was just shorter than mine. So in the vanishing sounds of cars in the streets, we're walked a couple of meters appart for minutes who seemed like hours. It looked really dumb, but none of us sliced this silence. 

At least, nothing till we reached the metro station and that a guy in another school uniform came to chat. I was getting used to, and usually I would get rid of it pretty quickly. I know the song, « you’re cute, it’s not the first time I’m seeing you at this hour, d’you have a boyfriend? » That’s why coming home with Motoya was quite convenient. This time I had to handle it alone.

Suddenly the gaze was no longer away, he was by my side. 

« Here you are, we gonna miss the train, Hurry. » 

He said that then get back for where he came from. I smiled politely before declining, and all along I felt a gaze fall on me. I ignore it as much as I could, holding back my smile. 

« Thank you so much, Prince Charming, it’s so convenient having a man around… » 

« If you had stayed with me that wouldn't have happened, dumbass. » he answered. 

And like that, we took the same path. 

I think he was embarrassed, but under the mask I couldn't really tell. I heard the city is polluted, but when I can go without it, the mask stays in my pocket. It’s useful in transport when they’re crowded, but I don’t understand how he can wear it so often and still have such a nice skin texture.

« The beard maybe… By now he probably shaves himself... » I muttered to myself. 

« What? »

« Nothing… So how's volleyball going? »

The space between his eyebrows darkened with skepticism, but he answers my question. 

« Good, I guess. »

« For my part, I skipped today's session .. »

« You’re lying. But soon enough, You will. » 

I laughed. He sounded bitter about it. It was a bit weird. 

My bag was swinging in the street, and I felt my mate tense up slightly beside me.

« I know the pleasure you take in escaping your responsibilities. » he has finally explained. 

And I was amazed that he was still walking beside me. 

« Sorry? »

« You know very well that you could become advantage for the Itachi Yama women's team. It’s won’t be very fitting for them to come only when you feel like it. Plus, it’s not like in middle school. You were a good player so they accept you even if you had irregularities. This won’t work here. The bench is full. »

I admit, it left me on the speechless. Ok, our middle school life was only a couple of weeks away. But I didn’t expect for him to notice that my enthusiasm went down. Before, Tuesday used to be the only day of the week where training was optional. To give everyone a day of study, all that. Between the preparation for the entrance exams, and my interrogations about my motives, I used took to skip a few training so I could have the chance to catch our local busy guy - Komori Motoya - or Akiko and the girls. I didn't expect they would notice my absenteeism. It was all in the past, but suddenly I felt ashamed. Was he…disappointed? 

It was a boy's voice that snapped me out of my reverie. I had stopped walking. 

Again. 

« Say… I see you on the subway every now and then and I was wondering if… You didn't want us to exchange our numbers? »

I explain the poor guy that I couldn’t do anything for him before running away. Sakusa was waiting for me. My remark in the station must have made him uneasy. And I was happy the conversation we were having blowed in the frisk wind. It would probably not have happened if I had been a boy. 

« Hitches. It is clearer. »

« Yes… It happens to me more and more often, without blowing me off. I'm starting to feel bad to reject all of them. »

« Dont be. Leave your phone at home, it's better. »

I must have throw him a curious look because for a second, he looked uncomfortable and a bit troubled. For them too, I had been perceived by their peers as an object of desires for not so long. 

« I mean, he said, you may be pretty, but you have nothing of the ideal girlfriend! »

« Oh Sakusa, what a surprise: do you find me pretty? » I scoffed. Though I would loved to be seen as pretty, concerning those two it scares me a bit. Seasons change are scary. I'm not use to that, so I'll better stick to my way of dealing with things. But If only I knew how to act reasonable! 

He observed me for a moment, and this time he rolled his eyes with a sigh. 

I annoy him though, he's still by my side.

« Oh come on! Don’t go away! »

« Sakusa, it’s Thursday. Your parents are working, right? » 

« Hmmm. »

I thought about him going home, gettin something ready by himself. Eating alone in front of the TV or a maths homework. Usually we didn't do that without Motoya but, another vision came at me. 

« Would you like…You know…Dinner at home? » 

It wasn’t unusual for them to hang at my place, but for a strange reason this time felt special. And, his reaction was special as well too. 

New beginnings. 

« I’d love that. »

He tried to hide it, but I’m pretty sure he blushed. But oh! How can I guess anything with that big make covering his face? 

« Are we going home together? »

« Is this now that you ask the question? »

He was finding me pretty, and it seemed that the five meters distance thing was optional today. My bag was rubbing his. The sun was setting in a bloody stain, I thought of the gymnasium that should darkened under the orange light, of the shiny sweat that beaded on the foreheads of my comrades, and even perched in the sky to smash in the void, my heart would not have beaten as fast as walking alongside him in town.


	21. m.b. - tori the bird

« Let’s save him! »

« What? » 

« The canary! On the branch! » 

« I’m not touching that! »

« Please! Sakusa! We must help him! »

« It’s gonna die anyway! » 

« Of course it’s gonna die if we do nothing! » 

« Tsss, we should call adults instead of… What are you doing?! »

« Hpmf…I’m too small! »

« You just noticed... » 

« Let me climb on your shoulders! Please! »

« No, wait for Motoya to come b.. » 

« We don’t know when Komori will be back, please! » 

-

« AiRHG! »

« Ouch! »

« Get the hell away from… »

« Look! It fits in the palm of my hands! »

« You shouldn't touch it...Maybe its’s sick or.. »

« Then we’ll heal it! »

« Kyoomi! Naru! What was…Oh! »

We named it Tori. Coming from the English word « Victorious ». Komori’s idea.  
It lived a good life in the backyard. Sometime we would forget the feed him, but Sakusa who didn't want to save him, would always be found at the same place. And for the little girl I was, It was enough. Sakusa as grumpy as he may look was nice. Cause he who hates dirt, made a hole in the grave. 

And loves wearing yellow. 


	22. pride and genesis

The key in the door. The smashing voice. The sound of shoes falling on the ground. It’s thrilling. Flip flops clacking on the wood. Breath caught in our throat. A hand rustling in the dark. Liberation. 

A scream. « Surprise! » 

Komori jumped out, taken aback. And then he burst out laughing, a cute uneasiness appearing on his face. He look as happy as I wished for him to be. I turned to my acolyte. I almost didn’t hear him shout, but he’s still here, looking as happy as he can appear to be. 

The week before, I had joigned Sakusa in his classroom during lunch break. Usually we didn’t interact at much at school, so my arrival was rather surprising. But at the time, I was blind by my astonishment. My magazine in hand. I banged it on his table and he looked up, food in his mouth.

I glared at him until he chewed its mouth content, my right leg moving, the magazine tapping against my hips. 

« D’you take it in the bathroom too? » 

I ignored his remark. And turn the page to the one I was looking for, pushing his bento away.

« New talents! Fresh from Tokyo, the n°1 Liberio from the country, Motoya Komori, currently playing in the Itachi Yama academy. We had the chance to meet him in his school gymnasium! And.. »

« You going to read all the interview? » 

I stopped, realizing I was almost declaiming the text in front of all the class. I calmed down a bit. 

A bit. 

« You knew? » I asked, throwing my hands on his table. Sakusa growled, his eyes almost closed as he answered.

« Oh course, I knew. You knew it, too. »

« I’m not talking about the interview! I’m talking about the best Liberio thing. Did you know? » 

« I wasn’t sure, but thanks to a common sens - you happened no to have - I guessed. » 

My eagerness was blurring my perceptions making his mockeries unobtrusive. 

« Oh God! Sakusa you should have told me this is totally amazing and… » I thrower myself on his bench, my face covered by my fingers. It was that our screaming my heart out. 

« Stop yelling everyone is looking at us. » 

The dead in my mind were racing from a corner of my head to another. It was to great for me to keep it quiet.  
Oh and fuck it. 

« We must organize a party! » I screamed. 

« What? A pa…No. » he said. 

And he repeated it again and again. When we asked Komori’s parents, to the boys’s team which loved the proposal, when I ordered an enormous cake at the bakery, wondered if we should make a barbecue with meat or fish, when a bought those mushy spray you used on birthday event (he really got angry with this one). Even though he said no, he helped me for a whole week. Everyone did, we were so proud.  
And so was Komori, even though he tried to keep it humble. 

I don’t remember much of the party. I think I must have drank something I was legally not in the right too. It felt hot, everywhere in my body, in my heart. I was proud, and nostalgic, and a new feeling flowed though my veins. I was impatient…Towards the future. 

I must have been crashing on a corner of the Komori’s living room. The one in which we watched or first horror movies, study our exams or eat casually just to hang out. And now, he was a first grader, a titular, an amazing player, and taller than I never though he would become. Sakusa passed in front of me, probably trying to avoid the people inside. 

« Sounds cold » I muttered. His black pupils fell on mine, skeptic.

I giggled at the sight and he took the drink in my hand to smell it. 

« That was clearly not for you…» I couldn’t concentrate on what he said after that, I just starred at him stupidly and I don’t know if I imagined it, but he laughed. A really light and pure one. Like only a night dedicate to someone else, someone we both love deeply, could offer. 

« The discussion we had on the porch last summer, I repeated like I did in class to convince Sakusa a few days before, It’s not longer a joke. Or a miracle. It’s a possibility. » 

« You already said it. » completed Sakusa, rolling his eyes, trying to avoid me as much as possible. He didn’t like it when too much people were around, or to see his routine messed up by unexpected event. But he had even miss a day of training to help me fix everything. I know that from all the people in the room, he was probably the proudest. 

Motoya had smiled at me, and then he took me in his arms. I know him enough to know he felt like crying a bit, and the sunny heat from his body reminded me that all of this was real. All of this was my home. 

His mother approached us, with the cameras and I grabbed Sakusa by the arm. It was careless, but not sufficiently to touch him while being this carefree. His groaned a bit. And I surpassed out of those twelve centimeters separating us and hugged them. Sakusa was completely tense at my side, but the photo was taken. 

I giggled. I kissed Komori’s cheek, before turning to Sakusa. He was a bit taller, and I fell on the corner of his lips. 

« Sorry…I missed! » 

People made enthusiastic noise around us. Still today, I don’t know if it was ton of anger or of shame. He was beet red. 

« Sakusa is not used to this kind of manifestation » have once explained Komori to me. I had touch him - again, and it was totally not right - and he got pissed. Motoya has told me how his cousin was a lonely child, even if he was in a family counting many members. I remember his siblings, their were high schooler by the time we moved in Tokyo, and his parents well..They were busy adults. They did take care a lot of their child, but he was alone most of the time. 

Komori wasn’t at ease to be with him during family meetings and stuff, he has a few anecdotes on his first sociability attempts. I used to think it was sad, cause my family was super cheering as well as Motoya’s. But it wasn’t. Cause Sakusa du to his peculiar personality and family dynamics didn’t really get what he was missing. It’s probably the reason why he hang out with us so much, even though we weren’t his cup of tea. Volley connected him to the world, and now that I think about it, the gods blessed him with those abilities, so he could create those bonds, wherever he wanted. 

He was a part of my childhood, and in this house with all our friends, and family I couldn’t stop throwing looks at him, asking myself if it was either a purge or a pleasure for him be wrapped in this warm and soft cocoon. 

A bit by reflex, I joined him outside. He was seated with Izana-senpai, and when he noticed me coming he got up. 

« Oh, no! Senpai I don’t want to brother y- »

« No worries Ueraha, I’ll go cheer our little star. Maybe you could stay with our lone-wolf for a bit? » 

« Don’t call me a lone-wolf, please. » I laughed. The way he could be both stingy and respectful at the same time always got me admirative. I nod at the boys’s comrade who winked at me before entering the room and sat next to Sakusa. 

« So, Lone-wolf. What were you talking about? » 

« Curious as always… »

« The contrary would be alarming. » 

« Right. » he accepted. He took a deep breath and turned to me. 

« Olympics. » 

« Waw…I engraved that idea in your head? » I mocked, referring to our previous conversation. And he bit his lips, before passing a hand though his curly hair. 

« I was serious about it. And he is too. But you, what will you do, Naru? »

The June breeze and the liters of water I had swallowed had helped me recover a bit. My mind was less dizzy from alcohol, a bit more from euphoria. And this question was so honest and destitute off his usual sarcasm. His eyes were wandering in the night, his jaw pulsating, so slow I wonder if he was even breathing. He had plans for himself, for his cousin. The tone was chaste and sincere, at this right time where their dream seemed almost reachable, he was wondering about me? 

« I’ll do the same as always. I’ll be by your side, I’m just your neighbor. » 

Kyoomi faced me, lips pinched like he was forcing himself no to speak. 

« You’re far way more than a neighbor. I’ve known you almost as long as Komori. It’s like…You’re a part of my family. » 

I don’t know why I bragged about my house localisation in such an inopportune time, Sakusa was looking fragile and the sight made me weak as well. I never imagine he could be thinking of me as a part of them. Maybe to put some distance, or rather not wanting to be invasive. It was the first time I was having such a thought, and just like I always do when I’m flustered, I pass it to someone else. 

« Are you asking for my hand? »

A smile appeared in the corner of his lips. Knowing what happened not even an hour ago, my joke sounded bolder that I wanted it to. 

« Hell, no. As far as I can, I don’t want to exchange any contact with your dirty hands. » 

A giggle escaped my lips, coming from another time where my nails were encrusted with dirt, sticky with fruit juice, sweating from playing. He didn’t wanted to touch the first two, but he accepted the last one. 

« I guess it will happen. » he confessed, in echo with my train of thoughts. I chuckled, was it because it was later than usual? He was cheerier. Vulnerability is doing that to him. Why bother to look at the moon, with such a sight for company?

« They say Pisces are romantic! » 

« Really? Well…Don’t know about romanticism…But…He cut in his sentences confused like he rarely was…It may really be the vibe! »

Our chuckles met in the garden, the sound of the party bursting beside us. The backyard was dark, but the yellowish light of the inside let the first moths of the years which turned in ceaseless circles, appear to our eyesight. The grave now looked like a garden. Summer was expected, but not the question that came after. 

« Naru, would you have organisez a party for me as well? »

This time I really couldn’t content my surprise. He didn’t look mysterious or fragile like a few minute ago, he looked like a pouty child. The vision was surreal and I burst out laughing. I tend to forget it too often. Under his coat of pride and nonchalance, Sakusa was a kid, just like us. 

« Why? Are you jealous? » 

« I’m not. » 

I try to pressure him for a few seconds, but he didn’t fail himself. He wasn’t jealous ok, but he wasn’t indifferent either. I answered. The moon was so pretty tonight.

« Hmmm…No, you wouldn’t like it. But I would have proposed it anyway. » 

« Then, it’s ok. » 

And like that his look skid on my lips, before turning away, in the center of the room where Motoya was calling for us.


	23. m.b. - which one

« Naru, who do you prefer to be with? Komori or Sakusa? » 

« Hmm..I don’t know, most of the time we are together? » 

« You surely have a preference! »

« I told you : I don’t know…It’s been the three of us for so long! » 

« Which one did you first met? » 

« Komori but… »

« So that’s Komori! » 

« No, I mean…I like Sakusa as well. »

« Naru, what’s wrong? »

« Beurk! Did I just said I like Sakusa as well? » 

People would often asked me, and I've never been able to give them an answer. I never preferred one over the other, it would have been like choosing between the right and left ventricle of the heart.   
And, who would want that?


	24. getting closer, getting closed up

« Waw, you became the ace. That’s amazing Sakusa. » 

Autumn came knocking at our doors, but the chill I felt rushing through my naked legs came from a different reason. Komori’s party was still in our mind, picking in our souvenirs from last summer. We just became first years a couple of mouths ago, but they didn’t manage to only became part of the main team so quickly, but even won amazing titles like this one. 

« You think so too? I’m so proud of him. Everyone is. » said Motoya with a very light tone. Almost singing. It was good news, it deserved the most festive form of expression. 

Sakusa who was walking a bit further from us, stopped and wait for us to join him. 

« Actually it’s because you’re such a good defense that we can act at ease on the field. » 

My best friend’s big eyebrows went somewhere to float in the sky, probably by surprise. I also was a bit taken aback. This wasn’t really his style to throw random compliment like that. He must have felt particular too, and it was his way to show it to us. 

« Oh Kyoomi! I’m gonna blush. » 

Motoya who was walking alongside me was smiling. His eyes shining with that dull light of pure joy, and it was quite understandable. And as expected, he blushed. I mean…Who would have not? It’s such a nice compliment, and from such a grumpy guy. 

« Don’t cling on me, idiot. » let out Sakusa as Motoya jump against him to hug his cousin. Those outpourings of happiness were fusing in the street, and some bystanders looked at them with curiosity. For a second, I went out of this weird nostalgia feeling that was taking over my heart, I wanted it gone, so I just act the most selfish and inappropriate way I could and hugged them too. 

« Naru, not you! » 

« I’m so proud of you, boys! »

We just became first grader a few weeks ago, and Komori was already in his senior year. Last year was effervescences and new beginnings. I began to see the boys a bit less, I was used with Komori who was a year older than me, a bit less with Sakusa. They were busy with the club. And all the time they invest in it made me both happy and sad. The consecration was our First Nationals. Komori was a first year, Sakusa in second and I was lucky enough that it happened in Tokyo cause I followed all the seasons from the qualifications to the inter-high. They did well for their first time, but something had change, something I couldn’t perceive from the bleachers. Something that made them want to return. 

That was my limit. Of course I participate with the girls, but even if we did well on the qualifications, it hasn’t been enough. It bothered me, but I drowned that feeling in my enthusiasm for the boys. I though I was right by the time. Sakusa didn’t talk to me for a whole week after that. "He was busy, probably". And when I finally met them back after the tournament, it had been only a few days but it felt like years of experiences has weighted on their shoulders, stronger and larger than mine were. It really occurred. But I wouldn’t have expected for this soft warmness to be this confortable. 

Their bodies were hot, but my legs still felt cold. It was official since almost a year and a half. They were taller than I’ll ever be, reaching heights I'll never visit. And to think they could only go further was actually insane. 

Sakusa sighed and tried to get us the hell away from him. An another day, he would have probably yelled at me but this time he didn’t. He was pretty happy too, I guess. But I don’t think that someone was happier for them that I was. 

« Stop staring at me like that both of you, it freaks me out. And let me go. » 

Motoya and I stopped hugging him, almost vexed. I pushed my fingers on the mole of his head before ruining away and he grinned behind his mask. 

« He’s such a kill-joy… » 

« Keep hugging me Naru, I feel so important! »

Motoya stared at me with puppy eyes, and I just open my arms to let him get into it. The last time we did that we were the almost same height, and now I feel like disappearing into him. It’s weird. 

« Come here, Oh…I can’t believe you’re that tall! » 

Again with the cute look, and I just awn-ed at his face. He was becoming to pretty for his own good but something about Motoya keeps being so child-like, that I felt like that weird ass melancholia would totally get away from my heart. I know this face. It’s the face of my best friend, and in his warm eyes : there is me, and his cousin. I hugged him even tighter.

« I’m still your little worm, right Naru? » 

Sakusa side eye-ed us, before swearing. The traits on his face distorted by disgust. I swallowed a sneer. 

« Oh, please both of you, stop being so cringe… »

Motoya and I burst out laughing. Playing the lovey-dovey act in front go him is one of the most funny thing ever. I don’t know why, he hate it. Probably because he knows that between his cousin and I, there isn’t such a thing. But still we walked side by side, arm under arm. And after a little silence, Sakusa who was again further from us stopped and turn to my direction. 

« Aren’t you making fun of me, Naru? » 

Something in his eyes was odd, I didn’t know what he meant, so I joked about it. 

« Why? Because no one is hugging you right now? » to support my point Motoya put his head on the top of mine, but Sakusa didn’t bother to stare at him. 

« I don’t know…It’s been a long time you didn’t. » 

« I just did. » 

« No…Not..About that. » 

And for a complete time, his eyes fixed mine and nothing, not the chin of Komori playing with my hair, nor the people trying to pass in the street let me got distracted from his black gaze. It felt like a was understanding and in the same time…Nothing made sense. He was trying to speak to an another me, one who still mispronounced his name or try to sneak to their team practice. A me I can’t help but repress since a long time. 

« Did you became a masochist? » I burped out, acting as jocose and airy I could be. I feel something vibrating on my skull and Sakusa who was still facing at me, looked up for his cousin. 

« Don’t laugh, Motoya. » 

« Sorry. There was weird tension here, don’t you think? » 

And like that he let me go and walked past us, even though my head still felt heavy. Sakusa who was staring at the ground turned to me again, before frowning his eyebrows. Like he would do, when he was accusing me of being dishonest. 

« Nevermind. »


	25. m.b. - the only one left alone

« Where’s Komori? » 

« Don’t know, he left in a hurry, saying he had a date or something. »

« That jerk! He promised he would help me with biology class! » 

« Surely, that’s less attractive I guess. » 

« Tch…Can’t he fall in love with me already! It would make everything easier ! »

« Eww, I wouldn’t want that. » 

« Oh sorry, but staining your pure blood lineage with my dirty figure is the least of my worries. » 

« It’s not that. I wouldn’t want to be the one left alone. »

« C’mon that would never happen. Komori would never leave you alone… Not anymore. » 

« Yeah, but maybe you will. On the contrary to a friend you would never get rid of. » 

« True but…Sakusa, I wouldn’t let go o- » 

« Though now that you mention it lineage is also an important matter. » 

« You’re as much as a jerk that he is! »

« So…Might help you with biology, as long as you get that sticky file away from me. » 

And the worse is that Sakusa, that guy, didn’t have any clue of what it was implying.


	26. memory load

« Nevermind » I repeated, and Mina’s face turned a bit before sighing. She was lacing her shoes, her short brown hair falling on her round face, her interrogation directed towards me. 

« I never know what you’re thinking about Naru. » 

« You’re saying that I’m mysterious? » I said "mysterious" in English a couple of time. Mina mocked my accent. 

« I was implying that you were more of…Unpredictable. »

« That’s not as cool as mysterious. But, it’s true that it does suits me better. » 

I felt like I owned her that much. Mina was in the same year as Motoya. I met her this year, though her face was familiar from competitions from middle school. She has been there a bit longer than me, and she really encouraged me a lot when I first joined. Without her, I probably would have sat on the bench. I wasn’t worthy of that status, but for a reason I couldn’t understand, I was still here. 

« Why do we run? Why do we force our bodies to the point they ache, scratche our soul to the point they break. Wasn’t it fun at first? Since when did it became so hard to play volley. And I don’t understand, cause time pass and Motoya is becoming more obsessed. Even Sakusa! That guy hates physical contact with strangers and yet…He’s on a court, playin, every fucking day like it mattered. I don’t know why I’m playing anymore. »

« You’re sick of it? » Mina asked, her arms crossed on the yellow sport school uniform. 

« No…I like to toss the ball and…You know…have fun. But, we’re not in this academy to have fun while playing. We’re here to win. To compete. I used to like that, but then in middle school I began to feel like I was losing my time, but…Not playing also made me feel bad, and… I don’t understand. » 

« Haaah… » she breathed out, looking almost…relieved. 

« I’m stupid, that’s it? » 

« No! You’re not stupid at all. I’m happy you finally let go of it. » She thought to herself a bit before turning to me, smiling gently. 

« Naru, you have some weird phases and…Back then, we were happy to see you came in our school. You were tall, lively and probably one of the best in the district. When I learned that you became less interested in middle school I felt a bit disappointed and then, you came here, and you continue to come. And ok…That was not as much as our senpais expected. But, that’s all that matters. » 

« What? » 

« You’re there when we really need you to. Like today, you came on your own cause you know the freshman would need us. I appreciate that. It’s ok if you still don’t know why, 'cause as long as you keep coming, you'll learn. » 

A light laugh escaped from me. That wasn’t the answer I wanted, still it was the best thing someone could tell me. Sakusa ’s words came back to my mind. He thought the same, and I guess Motoya did too. 

« Are we…Disturbing you? » finally said a young girl. Probably a freshman. Others girls came behind her looking a bit ashamed and Mina laughed. 

« I don’t know, Naru are they disturbing us? » 

I took a good look at this new generation, the one which will help me deal with the next one. Mina probably though the same. They look both afraid and exited. Like I may have look a couple of years ago. Full of dreams and ambitions, left with worries and questions. 

My reflection in the eyes hit me. The beginning, the first emotion. Maybe I needed to get back to it? 

« No. They’re coming just on time. » 

A strong hit noise come from the outside, and we couldn’t refrain from turning to the direction of the sound. I was used to it, but for people it tends to be surprising. The freshman in particular. I rolled my eyes, while the others seniors and first graders arrived. 

« Impressive, right? » said Mina. The girls turned back to us, completely surprised by the sound that still resonated in our eardrums. 

« The sound always play in my mind, like a tinnitus. » Mina smile at my joke and raised her shoulders. 

« He’s a first year, Sakusa Kiyomi. The level of Itachi Yama has always been good, but it’s became something else since he joined. » 

« Waw…He’s hand just hit the ball..Like… »

« It whipped it » completed someone else. I laughed. 

Nice choice of word, that dumbass was stealing us the starring role again. 

« No wonder Motoya has to work his ass off… » add another first grader, Mina sighed, probably by compassion. I took a glimpse at the girls in front of me. They looked a bit down, like sometimes back occurred shadowing their pride and confidence. I sighed, extending my arms behind my head. 

Well. 

« That’s it, you can try whatever you want, against something like brutal talent and abilities, there’s not much you can do. But do your own thing. Get the image in your brain, nothing you will do will be noticed maybe, maybe not I don’t know, but everyone is already looking at him, so…Focus on yourself. You don’t have to look at him too, someone’s already in charge. »

« Waw…All those questioning but it seems like you had it in you… » said Mina, and I realized I was thinking out loud. Where does that came from? Where the fuck were those when I needed them? 

« Euh…» 

I let go of my arms, numb by the weight of my own words and their effect on the people around me. 

« That was a cheering, right? For the team? » 

« No..It.. Anyway» 

Oh, gods. Where the fuck did it came from? The girls were starring at me with funny faces, and I felt like lighting up the mood a bit. 

« There’s no flesh and bones in his body. That’s why he can move like that. »

« Then what is he made of? » asked a girl, she looked amazed and almost envious. I could only relate. 

« Kyomi Sakusa’s just smirks and disdains… »

« Waw, you’re harsh with him! » 

I cleared my throat, hand on my hips.

« No! I love him. » The image of the pinched expression he make while being concentrate, I caught the raised eyebrows of my kouhai and directly turn back to them. 

« I mean. I love that! Smirks and disdain. »

« Euh…Senpai? »

« Move, you’re in the way. » said a voice, raspy, full, wrapped in smirks and disdains. I almost bite my tongue.

Sakusa passed - I mean float above me, cause he’s so damn big - totally ignoring my person, and the laugh of his teammate, especially Izana’s one turn my face pink. I like to make a fool of myself, but not this way. I pinched my lips trying to look as composed as I could be as the boys’s team was rushing inside the building. 

« Oh…She was right…He’s not really nice. » 

« Don’t judge by the apparence, cut Mina, those two are actually childhood friends! » 

A slap knocked me out of my humiliation. 

« C’mon Class-Clown, we’re training outside today. » 

And the idea that I wouldn’t have to face them again made me feel a bit better. Not because I still felt weird, no. But because before going out of the court, I caught him spiking, his arm completely eclipsing the sunlight filtering through the upper window. He was doing it again, he was stealing all the light. And like stars appear to us like remains of the past, I was brought back to a moment that felt to me like the origin of human nature itself. And then wondered, how the fuck did I let it sleep away, and vanish.


	27. m.b. - what passion was

« I heard that these days you’re harassing people from every club to assist at their activities. It’s getting weird. They say you look scary doing so. »

« Since when you’re minding rumors, Sakusa. » 

« He’s minding every rumors that concern you, Naru »

« Shut up, Motoya. It’s because she bring shame on us. » 

« So you’re saying that you’re minding your image? » 

« Oh, he’s trapped. Caught you, Sakusa, you lost! » 

« And so what? Is it stupid not wanting to look ridiculous? » 

« Stop saying I’m ridiculous Sakusa, I couldn’t care less about what people chat about me. » 

« That’s a breaking news! »

« C’mon, Kyoomi, don’t make that face. Ask her directly? » 

« Hmph…What are you trying to do, by visiting every school club? » 

« D’you remember what happened that day in the clearing? »

« ...Not really… » 

« Passion. » 

« Euh…I didn’t get that one, Naru? »

« What did I first played, that day in the clearing. What passion was, I think I saw it. It’s all linked. By what? » 

« Euh… » 

« That’s what I’m looking for. Isn’t what you told me to do? Seek it? » 

Oh, Lord, Did I know. That what I was looking for was nearer that I expected.


	28. the straw

« What are you doin’ alone like that? » asked a voice which seemed covered. I kept on staring at the busy street in front of me, while my comrade came to sit next to me.

« Not in the mood to speak? » he had, in a curious joyful tone. I turned in the direction of the person who entered the coffee. His uniform was immaculate as always. My gaze let the sigh of Sakusa to get back on the crowed behind the humid window.

« Motoya isn’t with you? »

« I think he’s hanging with some girl or something. »

« I see… »

« So out of boredom you came here to bully me? »

His eyelids wrinkled, not disposing like usual, more like…out of reflexion.

« Naru, so stingy. What’s gotten into you, you’re jealous? »

I could imagine how the smirk birthing in the corner of his lips let his dimples bloom on his face. I groaned.

« Sakusa, so happy. What’s gotten into you, you’re….Argh. »

I couldn’t even find something to complete my sentence and Sakusa burst out laughing. I side-eyed him, a bit taken aback. What was with him, now?

« Depressed to the point of being unable to talk back? Must be my lucky day! »

This time I couldn't take shit anymore, I just clicked my tongue, in hand mouvement and on the contrary to the disgust I had expected he stared at me, his pupils shining. This only made me understand that he was smiling under his mask, and what for?

He had approched me in the process, and I felt my naked knees rubbing against his. The unusual promiscuity made me feel so uneasy that I had to find a refuge in the plastic cup in front of me.

« You feel lonely cause Motoya left you alone, today right? »

The bubbly buzz in my cup was probably I clear answer. It was not only that. My high school year was passing too fast, and totally not like I had expected them to be. My heads were running wild for the last realizations I had, and the confused ideas of my club observations. 

I didn’t felt good. I was stressed and I had hope all day that Komori and I could talk about it. But I wonder if he even noticed. And that was pissing me off, cause yes. Sakusa was right. I was death jealous.

« Yes, you’re right! I’m jealous? Happy? Go away, then. »

But Sakusa didn’t moved from an inch. Even if the people sit behind us turn to us with a disapproval look because I had yelled. We just glared at each other, my frowned face VS his neutral one, wearing something else that his casual disinterest. The vision calmed me down a bit.

« You’re going to make fun of me… »

« Maybe I will. »

I frowned again, and a light laugh escape from his mouth. I was so surprised by how light-spirited he was today. He smile so rarely that I tend to forget that he has dimples. I want to put my finger inside it.

« Naru, talk to me. »

And he sounds so genuinely nice and concerned, how could I resist?

My lips left the straw and formulate the thoughts invading my mind these days. The High School Tournament was in the corner, and a unique match in the prefecture was separating me from it. I was anxious and tense, especially knowing that the boys’s team had much more luck than we have. Sakusa listened to my almost-whispered complaints, without saying nothing. And when I finished, he just smiled. I clench my fist.

« I knew I should’t have tol-»

« No. I’m happy you did. It’s just…Such an unusual sight. You’re not the anxious type, ain’t you? »

I kept my mouth closed, and he continue. 

« You’re always so sure and confident. And yet you’re looking quite fragile and vulnerable right now. »

« And you think it’s ridiculous. »

« Don’t make me say things I didn’t say, he cut me a bit harsh, But that doesn’t suit you. »

« Boys surely love when girls act all cute like that, don’t they. »

« Naru, you’re not the type of person acting just to please the other. That’s what I’m saying. »

« What? »

He stopped starring at me for a second, and then took the straw out go my drink, first he turned it to the other side, to make sure non of my saliva would touch him. I rolled my eyes. But what he did next surprised me a bit, before putting it in front of his eye, fixing something on the other side on the street like it was some sort of spyglass. His lips pinched, his mole waving on his forehead. His other eye was completely hidden between is squinting eyelid. I wanted to pass my fingers on it. But he spoke.

« You’re like that straw. You juste fix one thing, and it’s not that you ignore what’s around, it’s just that you don’t see it. You always been like this, since you were a kid. And I know people change and stuff, but…Not on that. You never act to please the others. » and like that he let go of his hand, the straw stacked between his fingers. He was smiling. Not a smirk. A smile, warm and gentle. To the point I can't even say it is scary. 

I couldn't help but answer to that smile. I guess he’s right. He knows me so well, it’s almost frightening. I couldn’t stop looking at him, in this light i remembered something.

Not once I though his eyes looked black, they reminded me of something more deep.

« Cola. »

He turned to me, and for a second he flinched. Not long enough for me to ask why, though. I let go of this interrogation and ask for a real one.

« Why are you acting worried all of a sudden. You don’t like me, don’t you? »

« I’m not worried. And stop assuming things you don’t know. » Then he smirked. And stared back in the straw. It's so...Childlike. 

« You’re in a terribly good mood today, it’s frightening. »

« I’m just felling relived. »

« Because I look pathetic? »

Again he let go of the straw. 

« Because you still crave for our attention. All those days you kept bragging about boys, and ditching volley but… »

« What? Sakusa? » but he ignored my interrogation, pointing the straw on the crowd on the other side of the window.

« Look, it’s Motoya and the girl! »

« Oh my god you’re right! » I jumped! Before re-sitting on my chair.

« Haaa…and what d’you expect me to do about it? »

« Isn’t that clear? He said, side-eying me, Take back what’s ours. Get him jealous! »

_Ours._

And in a flash, he put something that looks like his own in the my cup back and my drink start buzzling. Our legs weren’t rubbing under the table, they were almost tangled. To this day I don’t even know if Motoya has noticed us, all I could put my attention to was Sakusa. _Ours._

« You’re really less mature than I though you were! »

And it was okay cause like that,I autorise myself to be a little girl around Sakusa, a bit more that I should.


	29. m.b. - A void? A black hole? An abyss? Sesame seed? Dried seaweed? Licorice?

« His eyes are sooo black! » 

« Yeah I though mine were dark, but his pupils are almost invisible! »

« That’s not true! » 

« What? » 

« In the sun, they aren’t looking black at all. They ressemble something more like… » 

« What? A void? A Black Hole? The abyss? » 

« No. They look like something I like. » 

« Sesame seeds? Dry Seaweed? Licorice? »

« No. They look like soda. Dark and bulzzing! »

« Buzzling you mean? »

« Yeah! That’s exactly what I mean! » 

« Hun? » 

« I wonder if I could aspire it if I picked a straw in it! » 

« Naru, don’t pick a straw in my cousin’s eye, we couldn’t be friend if you did! » 

« I would never do such a thing! Must hurt like hell! » 

« But I can’t help but think, I’d love to if I could! » 

« Naru you’re really a weird girl! » 

« And you’re weirder for being my friend… » 

Will we know? Who was the weirder of us all?


	30. all of us getting undressed

They kept moving forward, even though I had done that too. All of their progress had been echos of mine. Cause if I received a titular title sooner than them in middle school, fault to my long limbs, they caught up quickly and went further. At first, this echo reassured me somewhat. Despite the fact that I was frustrated, I would go see them play, and sometimes I would even sneak up on their training. But when Komori left middle school, things took a different turn.

We picked the same high school again, and the force of age that drove me to cut my hair made me want to let it loose, to be pretty. I let my heart be taken over by different worries, by the strange sensations that swarmed in my stomach when a boy blushed meeting my gaze. Maybe it was an automatic mechanism in my body. To lash out at the anger that roared in the depths of my ribcage, which I felt echoed inside my breasts. But passing by them still clouded my sensors. I was supposed to be in the second week of classes as first grader, and after pretending all this time that I was doing what I really wanted to do, I picked up the registration form at the volleyball club and I rushed towards the locker room. Except it wasn't the girls', it was the boys’s.

« What are you doing here? A deep, gruff voice asked. I straightened my shoulders, threw my hair back, all while supporting him with my gaze. It was opaque and firm, yet devoid of that usual contempt. In a way those eyes, they made me feel… like they were waiting for me.

« I came to speak Manager Takeuchi. »

« What do you want from him? » Motoya asked with a smile as he sprang up behind his cousin. 

I unsheathed the paper I was holding between my fingers. And he sighed as he walked back inside the locker room.

Although Sakusa was leaning against the door, I still invited myself inside. Motoya took the things out of his bag before starting to unbutton his shirt. I stood on the bench crossing my legs.

« It’s obvious, Sakusa guessed, she’s going to harass him. Just as she always do. » 

Komori’s eyes widened, and then he let go a smirk. I rolled my eyes. I knew what he was thinking about. Making fun of me. I don’t think he was expecting it, and in the same time, he doesn’t look surprised either. He may have accept this unpredictability I was build off. 

« Seriously, you chickened out so quickly last year that I thought you weren't coming back this season! » 

« It's that you don't know me well, I have new allegations which won’t be disqualified this time! »

« Really? Sakusa interjected, uncrossing his arms and heading inside too. And are you going to stay there? »

There were not many people. And quite frankly, I didn't care.

My silence must have been enough for him to answer because he took his shirt off, too. We often have a great time of summer messing around Motoya and I, so we developed an intimacy that Sakusa had to submit himself too. However, with the internships they did this summer after inter-high school, I didn't really have time to see them again. They've grown taller and bigger, and seeing their muscles dancing under their skin almost hurts. I watched my thighs sink into the wooden bench. For my part, I had let myself go.

« Don't kind of bother you. Either way, you better get used to seeing me near your undressed bodies more often. »

Motoya burst out laughing and Sakusa just muttred to himself how shameless his cousin’s best friend was. And with a sigh, he ended up putting his sport t-shirt on.

My attention ventured lower. Probably to piss Sakusa a bit more. Motoya had take off his pant and was changing into his short. 

Again, muscles. Since last winter, his legs seemed to have swollen. Full of marks of purple and coppery, given respectively by pain and sunburn. It’s full of bruises and contusions, like offerings to the altar of dedication. A sculpture in the rock, but animated with the lively flow of tamed passion. As a proof of it, the lines carved in the skin are thick and supple, and extend with any little move he executes. Lifting the leg, and passing it on the fabric. It goes wherever he wants, at the speed he decides.

The reward of hard-work, the summer camp.

I bit my lip, maybe to refrain the envy I felt pouring in my veins. What could I have done with just a few different things about my body. Variations at least.  
Same generation, same city, same neighborhood.   
I would have had everything to be at this place, I would have anything to stand by their side. If only, I could do more than compressing my thighs against the bench to the point I wish they hurt, without any chance they will, considering the mass of skin I have to protect me. And while the elastic of his short was clapping against his hips, I felt like taking it off.   
My own flesh.

Damn, I was jealous. 

« Enjoying the view? » Motoya said to me, all of sudden. 

My eyes met his, and he was making that look. The slashing one, smirking. If it could be compare his gaze, he was showing to girls he was trying to hit on, but this one was more wicked. For a second, I though he was reading in my mind. And what he saw didn’t disturbed him, he was taking pleasure in it. 

Just like when we would be competing in the glade. 

« Uh ... What are y’all doing? .. »

I turn my gaze away, realizing that to the point of view of Sakusa and the new comer, this must have been tendentious. I got up, regaining my spirit in a clap of my hands. 

" Oh! Takeuchi! I was looking for you! I came with a great proposal! »

« Oh Uh..Uehara? What can I do for you? »

He looked a bit surprised to find me there, especially if he assisted to the weird scene. But anyway, I had to use is uneasiness to my advantage. I was taller than him, so a lowered a bit. And a few centimeter nearer, I whispered. 

« Oh…It’s not about what you can do for me, but what I can do for you! » 

A light skirt move, a thigh turns, lean closer, sparkly eyes, and a smile. He blushed. 

And like that, I disappeared from the locker room next to him, my file in my pocket, blinking at the boys. Envy wouldn’t get me nowhere. I couldn’t change mother nature in a night. A had to fight with tools I have. The conversations of the room have reached me. 

« She really gave him the charming act. »

« I can't believe he fell for it »

And Oh Lord, he was going to fell for it.


	31. m.b. - still today, there's nothing they have that I don't

« I swear he did it again, I don’t know why boys keep barging about how hard and long their dick is when their’s actually nothing spectacular about it. » 

« You're serious, Mika still spitting his nonsense all over the place? »

« Yeah, we watched porn with Akiko when her parents went away - and its was one of the worst movie I’ve ever seen- anyway. So since he thought he was being funny he decide to draw a huge one on the board. » 

« Ugh, Gross! » 

« Yeah! But the teacher came and he wasn’t able to erase his drawing on the board! And that part was actually the funny one! Serves him, right! » 

« Which teacher was it? » 

« Mr. Ando » 

«How nice! I know you would be here, sharing one brain cell. Talking about the Mika case? Nothing glorious about it. » 

« Actually now that you’re here Sakusa, we’re sharing one and a half! » 

« Don’t you laugh Motoya, I swear you should stop hanging around with that shameless person, it won’t do you any good! » 

« Yeah Komori, you should definelty stop hanging with Mika and his ego-dick issues! » 

« Argh. » 

« Kyomii, you perv! Playing the frightend virgin but still sitting my our side! » 

« Shh!! He wants to listen to our dirty conversations so bad!… » 

« Well, really funny you two. I couldn’t care less about the way you’re dealing with your hormonal frustration, it’s just that it’s reminding me from when we used to go to the beach, you began your feminist rebellion from a young age! » 

« Pfff! Of course I did, I was a fucking kid! » 

« Now that I think of it, it’s been a long time since we last went. » 

« Yeah, that’s cause Mrs Equal-Rights isn’t feeling bold enough to run topless like when she was twelve. »

« Wow, Kyomii you actually had it in you. » 

« Go to hell, Sakusa. My swimsuit might have change but still today, they’re nothing that you have that I don’t!» 

« Actually… »

« Don’t even try to mention what’s in your pant, unless you want me ro rip it off, Komori. I also have a reproductive organ. You ain’t special. » 

« Oh God, please let’s makes some passes and stop please talking about genitals. » 

« Sounds fair! » 

We said in the same time, our voices echoing in the backyard.


	32. world of today, worlds of tomorrow

Of course, it worked. 

The news wasn’t really well taken by the coach, but I know that it was for the best. I guess that in a way, he was proud that I manage to get on the other side of the court. That boys side, as I always complained I could. 

The uniforme was rather big, but I didn’t mind. It was just a detail, and I was finally happy that I resolved myself to take that decision. I should have done it sooner, but things happened the way they did - no! The way I wanted them to - how could I feel so lonely in this big tracksuit? 

I tried not to cross them in the school’s hallways because I wanted it to stay a surprise! Their management team had probably told them that I new member, and quite a special one - would be joining them this year! I knew they were aware because of the hearsay wandering freely from a team member to another. Volleyball was a big thing here, and my popularity as a female player was probably going to rise even more since I would now be joining the group of human blessed with those XY who seemed so important to this planet. 

I looked at my face in the washroom’s mirror one last time. My high ponytail was clearing my forehead from all the messy baby hair I usually have. It wasn’t that bad. If I had continue to stay in the girls team, I should have cut my hair for the incoming season. This way, it could be as long as I wanted them to be. Just like a big rope tying me to that so-impossible goal. I smiled, but it felt odd, so before questioning my reflection too much, I run towards the court where the boys’s team were waiting for the meeting. 

And the news came to them: with a bright smile, sparkly eyes, in a wave of my ponytail. Someone whistled and I smiled even more. I had to show my enthusiasm. 

Takeuchi blushed as I joigned his side, and the boys's coach rolled his eyes before speaking. 

« I suppose I don’t need to present Uehara Naru from the 2-3. She’s always being yelled at on the other side of the field, stealing Komori ’s sport uniform and is specifically famous for harassing me every year to join the team, which came to an end today since she’s leaving the girl’s one to join ours. I don’t know if it’s for the best, but it could do us any wrong, right? » 

« I think this is quite good idea! » let out Tenma from 3-1 and I giggled. What a dumbass. But someone was not giggling, on the contrary : it was sending shills through my spine. I decided to ignore him as the coach continued his explanation. 

« Well, Miss Uehara right here proposed her candidature to become a team manager and even if I was reluctant because of her implication in our academy girls’s team, she insisted. And let us no other choice that : acceptance. So please, welcome her as you should and if everything is clear for everyone I will give this year instructions! » 

« Euh…Excuse me? Coach? » asked someone in a really low tone. It was Motoya and he look a bit…upset. I try to remain calm, thought I felt tense. 

« A comment to make, Komori? » 

« Hmm… » he tried to muttered something but I stared a him longer enough to make him uneasy. His eyes, no longer ressemble sticky syrup, they were were ice cubes slipping between me and the Coach. I believed Motoya would just shut up and accept the good news before someone spoke instead of him. Someone I could normale uneasy. 

It was Sakusa, and his lips (that I can’t rarely observe under the mask) were so pinched that I though they were sealed. It would have been better for me, if they had been. 

I rarely saw him get angry. In general, his annoyance is silent. But there, I felt him fuming to the point that even his comrades tried to calm things down. 

« Actually, isn’t it better to form a first grade manager instead? » 

« We can’t do both at the same time, I answered almost surprised by the sweetness of my tone, we’re a big academy, with a lot of players, every kind of help is useful. » 

« Yeah…As long as it is help, and not a drag for everyone. » 

Forget about sweetness. Mr. Know-it-All was making everyone uncomfortable with his picky comments. 

« A drag, you said? » I let out, getting all tensed up before the coach grabbed my shoulder, as to calm me down. 

« What’s your point, Sakusa? » 

Sakusa didn't who had seem really angry til now, stretch his arms as to appear bored. I bit my tongue. 

« Other managers would be better suited to fill this role. » 

« Excuse me? » 

He said that in such a cold tone, and with all the nonchalance the world can bring. I felt a storm bursting inside me. I know he thought that I was a bit annoying and stuff, but I didn’t think he hate me enough to put sticks in my wheels! 

« Seriously, other seniors would be more qualified! The girls team is counting on her! This is not her place. »

« Well, that’s actually the reason why she would be an interesting manager. More than knowing the rules, she knows the game. Her perception of it is quite different. And she seems motivate. » 

« Naru, asked Komori looking suddenly really sad, are you sure that it’s your place? » 

« It’s not. » commuted Sakusa, rolling his eyes. And I clench my teeth ready to bite back.

« Is that really what you want? » repeated Komori. But what was that anxious tone for? 

« Listen…If That’s really what you want I would loved it. But…Don’t force yourself. » 

My mind can't process what's happening in front of me. I was sure everyone would be pleased, I was sure people were happy that I finally manage to find a compromise between what I wanted and what could be done. So, why the two people I did that for were looking so down? And what came next was enough to drain me for all the excitation I had.

« It’s simple, conclude Sakusa, out of nowhere. Ih she comes, I leave. Understood? » 

All the team members turned to him in silence, the coach, the current managers, the teachers, all of them they turned to him and then they turned to me. And I knew, that their choice was already done. 

« 'You for real? You’re acting serious right now? » I throw at him, going berserk. How could he interfere in something so important to me? So important to us? 

And then, I got it. 

I was the only one obsessed with this idea. I was the only one waiting for them after school classes because their training was longer than usual, the only one who passed the last too summers alone in the backyard while they were at some camp or something, the only one who was playing not for the future, nor for the « moment »; but for the present. I was the only one, who was still a kid in their backyards, looking for worms, wooden stick in hand, toothless mouth smiling at them, screaming : « I sneaked in. » 

They were in the world of today, the worlds of tomorrow, and I was haunting a place which no longer’s look like a field because of the weeds that rolled up on the steel, that supports a net that no longer’s look like is being used by a team. 

They are chasing dreams, while I keep looking for memories. Of course, there is no way we can’t be together anymore. And fuck. I was hit so hard by this realization that I though I would just faint. And feeling my tears coming up, I hurried to left the court in mid-crisis. This tracksuit felt heavy and so fucking big! 

« Go fuck yourself, losers » and Sakusa tried to caught up the ball I smashed so savagely, but missed. And this was the only satisfaction I had, at least.


	33. m.b.- born out of weird similarities

« What’s with that face? »

« He met someone in the toilets, from Miyagi! »

« Oh! The Liberio? »

« No, someone else… »

« Too bad, I love when his face get hit by the shadow of apprehension… »

« Waw, he didn’t even answer to your remark. » 

« Sakusa? Sakusa? » 

« Oy, get back on earth? »

« ...He had his own handkerchief. And…Methods. » 

« HuH? » 

We were in middle school, and it was our first time in a National Tournament. The day Sakusa met Wakatoshi. We didn’t understand why he spaced out at first, it had never happened. But then, he played. And Motoya and I bursted out laughing at the end of that weird match. Feeling both envious, and reassured. It was the beginning of it, the facts that it was not the three of us in the backyard anymore. Cause, they were so many monstrosity in this fucking land, that even the unbothered Sakusa found interest in one of them. 

And rivalry really do born out of weird similarities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo!! hope you liked this week's chapters! happy new year, either you're living in the world of today, or those of tomorrow.


	34. if you stare, he'll stare back

That day I got home directly after the catastrophe. I was used to rejection but this time was peculiar, the scar went deeper, it made me feel ridiculous like I rarely felt. 

I ignored my mother questioned look and ran into my room, threw my bag on my bed, before ripping away my uniform skirt and getting in the bath. I needed to cool down, and for whatever reason hot water would be a good way to do so. I couldn’t stop my thought process, but my numbing muscles got the best of me. And when I finally got out, I passed a hand on the big mirror in front of me, my face appeared behind the steam wrap on the glass. There I was. Long, bust still shorter than them. Athletic but still less strong. Talented, but still not enough. Bold. More than girls should, probably. 

My gaze fall upon my round chest, the pit of my waist, my meaty hips. I looked back at my face, my dripping hair, my rosy cheeks. I was a teen girl, and even if I have been as far as using my charm skills as to get in Takeuchi’s favor, it wasn’t enough. I grabbed my hoodie and throw my towel on the mirror. I was sick of this vision. 

I finally tried to make my homework but couldn’t concentrate, and after ignoring dinner, I went in the garden and pass through the wire mesh I cut long ago so I could easily sneak in Komori’s backyard. No one was there to be seen, and even if it was the end of April, it was still too frisky to hang outside at this hour. 

I played the ball for a moment, lost in a place in my mind where anger was stifling with silence, and suddenly a sound. And again, my anger was bursting, devastating and revengeful. 

« I don’t feel like talking about it, Komori. » I said, whiteout looking in his direction. He must have caught me through his room widow like he usually do. Though this time his curtains were closed. 

« Komori? You must be really angry to call him that way. » 

Ok. That sound surprised me. The ball felt on the ground and got lost somewhere in the bushes.   
Sakusa was there, hands crossed arms on his dark hoodie, his stupid curls hiding his irises. I took a deep breath, I must remain calm. 

« Where’s Motoya? » 

« In the shower. We came home something like forty minutes ago. » 

I sighed. I left the field seemingly furious and I guess that must have been pretty weird and childlike for the people on the court. I wasn’t exited to get back to school tomorrow. I remembered how I yelled at him in front of everyone, and feeling a hint of shame, I turned away. 

I wasn’t expecting to see Sakusa that soon. 

« If I’m messing with your training, I’ll just get back in my house. » 

Like that I went to find the ball in the bushes, and when I return Sakusa was no longer on the porch. He was behind me, hands in his pockets, dilated pupils pitch black against mine. Confronting. 

I lowered my gaze, a bit anxious. 

« You know what they say, if you stare at the abyss, the abyss stares back. »

My joke didn’t make him move a bit. Which was pretty surprising for someone who absolutely hated anyone getting too deep in circle. He was so big and large, it felt suffocating.

I grabbed the ball between my hands, sinking my nails in its furrows, trying to keep my composure. But, it didn’t last long. 

« Manager. Seriously? »

I tried to say something, my mouth open. And finally decided that I had to do it. Stare at the abyss. 

We glared at each other in front of Komori’s garden for a whole minute. A whole minute that taught me I hated the way Sakusa could fix me without blinking for hours, with nothing readable other than his disappointment. I hated that I can’t help, but to fix him back like my kid-self, that kid self, unbothered and bold. His eyes felt on my separate lips, probably teasing my silence. 

« What? »

« I expected you to come harass him about joining the team as you always do? »

My eyebrows flowed for a second but I bit my lip, and acted as nonchalant as possible.

I sighed, before smiling bitterly. 

« You know it's impossible. You kept on reminding me for the past six years. »

He was just messing with me, and before noticing my fist were cletching to the point it hurted.

« Certainly. » He almost whispered. How could he, not lower his gaze, no laughing at me. Stern and abyssal? 

« But still, you would you like me to continue? To strike in the void? It doesn't look like you. »

For a seconde his eyes went up, shadowing the stars in the night sky, before coming back to me, a sly smile on his face. 

« Stop acting like you've got everything of me. It's not like you. » 

Ok. That one actually surprised me. Cause his eyes weren’t showing any sign of this condescendent disappointment, the dark pupils piercing through me like an arrow were no longer a weapon, they were glassy and fragile, like a broken mirror. And my my face was all over the pieces. 

« Sorry? It was the best thing to do. »

Sakusa wrinkled his eyelids. And I knew that look. He was doing it. He looked down at me. And he made me feel so small, it wasn't the first time, but now it was so violent that I thought I had been punched in the ribs. I had been so troubled by that sort-of-in-pain look he gave me, that getting back on his normal self felt ever more catastrophic. 

« Naru. You sound hollow. »

And like that, he straightened his back and disappeared down the aisle, his black curls glistened on under the starry sky, blurring through my tears.


	35. m.b. - he was

« An interview! » 

« That’s not all…We also going to the U-19 Camp, All Japan thing » 

« It’s not big news..;it's…Miracles! »

« Yeah, and the miracle is circled in the calendar for the winter holiday! » 

« Yeah, I know we used to hang out a lot for holidays, Naru, bu-… »

« Dear Lord, Komori Motoya! Don’t excuse yourself! You’re on your way to success. Chrismas can wait. » 

« What did I told you? » 

« Kyoomi, i actually have a heart that think of other people. » 

« I do too…And it’s especially for that reason that I told you no to be worried. » 

« Well, You’ll be there so I guess..; »

« What? You also going? Both of you » 

« Hmm… »

« OH MY GOD! »

« Don’t shout in the neighborhood, Naru! » 

« Im sorry, I’m so happy! I can’t help it!» 

« Aren’t you scared that we left you away? » 

« Kyoomi- »

« I’m not. »

I took his question really seriously. And I wasn’t scared. He was.


	36. the day I understood something about volleyball and me

A couple of days have passed, during when I tried my best not the bumped into them. A really complicate exercise I must say. It did happen that I fight with Komori or get angry at Sakusa sometimes, but I never ignored them for that long. My parents noticed that something was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to explain that I had did it again. And that even if I knew that nothing is just bitter, it’s such an invading taste. 

I was waking up earlier in the morning so I wouldn’t meet Komori on our way to school. I used to be pissed when we were not in the same class, but this time it was rather an advantage. It was easier to hid myself? But when Friday came, I found him at my door. Eyebrows flushed, anxious looking. He looked even bigger than before and I just rolled my eyes. 

« Need something? » 

« No.. » 

« Ok then,… » I pushed on the door to close it but he put his foot between, before moaning in pain. I open it quickly. 

« You fucking idiot you can’t hurt your feet before the camp! You’re only wearing flip flops! » 

He shook his ankle, grimacing in pain. 

« I know, but…I can’t go in camp in this situation either. Naru please. » 

« Komori I don’t want to… »

« I have lemon meringue pie. » 

He sticked the plate in front of my face. Even wrapped in plastic a fresh hint of lemon and mint came to my nose. No one would be able to refuse this smell. 

« Ok…Come in. » 

« He entered my home and while he made his way to my garden, I went to look for a aid kit. When I came back a kneeled in front of him, and got rid of his flip flop. He bleed a pit, but it was just a bruise. I sighed, looking for a destinfecting pad in the box. 

His made his toe dance between my hands. I stared at him a few time, intimating him to stop but he didn’t. I burst out laughing. Where they always this big? 

« Stop making me laugh » 

« I know, you’re too busy being angry at me for…What reason? Tch! Argh! » 

I pressed the pad on the side of his under-toe as an answer. 

« Sorry, must I’ve said it would sting a bit! » 

The thing is, I didn’t know either why I was angry at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. The last day I couldn't have help but replaying the film in backwards as awkward it may have been.

« I’m sorry. It wasn’t cool of me to act the way I did. It’s just…My fault. I really over-done it this time. » 

I passed the compress on the other side, and he turned his foot so it would be easier for me. 

« I always knew you would lean before me, but is less coller than though it would be » said Motoya. I arched an eyebrow. 

« It’s a symbole of purification in chritsianity, I think » interacted a voice, coming from the other side of my garden. 

« Oi, Kyoomi you startled me. » Great…Like things weren’t already too difficult for me to handle. 

« Stop moving too much, Big Foot I’m trying to put a bandage. » 

« I hope it’s just a scratch…The golden week is in a couple of days. » said Sakusa while jumping over the fence.  
I felt my back tensing and Motoya must have noticed. 

« It was totally worth it, answered Motoya, I would be a fool not to enjoy a pretty girl at my feet, right? Aaargh! » 

« I’de rather not if it’s just to get my toes crashed between her hands. This one was worth it. » 

I clapped Komori’s foot, and he lift his leg out of my knees to get back in his shoes. I closed the box and we stayed silent for a moment. It was a really nice Saturday, the frost had complexity disappeared from the branches of the backyard trees, remplaced by water dropping from the fresh leaves. Spring again. 

« We’re usually in Motoya’s backyard, said Sakusa, feels weird. » 

« Yeah. But you’re also have a net. A ball. » 

« I must train as well. » 

« What are you going to do? » asked Sakusa.. I know he was talking about the issue of last week. Motoya made a gesture in the direction of his cousin, but his gaze didn’t left my face. 

Don’t stare back. 

« Guess I’m just gonna sound hollow ’til time grace me with better plans »

It went out of my mouth harden that I though. But this word really did made me feel hollow. It had been resonating though all the inches of my bodies those last days. Hollow, hollow, hollow. Is it what I become? Is it how, Kyoomi…?

« It’s your lucky day. Time grants you marvelous plans. »

« What kind? »

« The kind that looks like you. » He threw something at me and I caught it. 

« Oh… » said Motoya, probably knowing. 

I opened to plastic pack in a crispy noise and what was inside brought tears in my eyes. Again. 

I didn’t need to know where did he find it, the card inside was an answer in itself. A cute one, all pink and yellow. My favorite colors. 

« You cry so rarely, I want to take pics of it » said Motoya, chuckling. I snorted. Nothing just taste bitter.

« Don’t make fun off me or else I’ll rip all of your toes. » I though of the card. The signatures of all my teammates written on it, a work from Mina, our captain. 

𝐷𝑜𝑛’𝑡 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑡 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑢𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑚𝑝.

I took my head between my hands. 

Motoya chuckled again, getting up. « What if we all ate?» 

« Sounds like a nice plan. Let’s play a bit after that. » said Sakusa who had put the new vest around my shoulders, like a shield. It was yellowish and orange, just like Mrs Komori’s lemon meringue tart.


	37. of cherry trees!

« Finding something interesting? » asked a voice. I turn directly only to find yellow sneakers. There we horribly clean for a so clear color, and after a mile of legs, and torso, the shadow was looking down at me, eclipsing the setting sun. 

Kyoomi Sakusa. In smirks and disdain. Caught me! 

« I lost my earring. » 

« Oh really…For my perpective it looked like you were observing the Itachi Yama’s girl team but I guess I got it wrong. Though, I don’t see any jewel on your other ear. » 

That sly fox! 

« I lost both of them » I groaned, internally cursing the academy’s internal regulations. I continue my ridicule comedy, hopping that a miracle would happen like a big hole in the ground throwing me in the sengoku era. The wind rise. But it was just Sakusa’s sighs. 

« Why don’t you just go in? » he finally wondered.

« Why don’t you get lost with Komori or Izana or something… » 

He repeated his question.

I don’t know. I’m scared. And I’m not use to this feeling. I’m not use to the shame. I’m not use of having the impression I’m not worthy of something, that’s I’ll just be a bother, that everyone must despise me. I’m not use to care so much about something out my light of sight. 

I’m not use to let go of my straw and to concentrate on the other things the world have to show. 

I got up, passing my hands on my skirt, slowly. There’s isn’t a single dog-spirit out there who would let me out of it, I had to make diversion. 

« Stop starring at my panty! » I yelled, knowing that it was an enormous lie and a terrible accusation. He knew it too cause he didn’t move away, and didn’t look flustered by what I said at all. He had seen it! My shameless and ridiculous stalking of a practice I had been too scared to join. My panties were noting in comparison to this humiliation. And he knows it. We stare at each other for a second, his eyes a few centimeters away from mine. Still he had the upper hand. And the vision of last time in the backyard came to me. I remembered the conversation we had. He probably did too, cause for a second he looked uneasy. 

« So rare to see you acting like a normal teen boy, the wise-guru. » I finally throw, meanly. 

« So rare to see you acting like a normal adult, local brat. » he retorted, his eyelids wrinkling. 

We kept fulminating again each other, before pouting away. He took a few steps away, sighing. 

« Naru, you should really stop acting like a kid. It’s pitiful to watch. » 

« I know it! Don’t need to reminded me. » 

« Seek for answers…I didn’t expect for you to be precise enough than to make observations. » 

It wasn’t observation. But I didn’t need to tell him. I was feeling unwelcome, I was scared to join my team. Scared to come back and to drown myself in volley. 

« Sorry to act pitiful in front of our-so-famous-and-respected- and-dedicated-ace. Everything is so easy for you, a wave from you hand and the trouble his spinning like crazy, uncatchable, far away from you. » I had mimicked the way he jumped in the air and got angry. My breath was heavy. And it wasn’t cool. Cause I was liying. I know how much he worked, I know how many hours he passed working on his joints, to turn a really weird body disposition into the mortal tool it was today. It was terrible of me. To be so unfair. 

It’s always been like that, he’s looking at me, he’s saying nothing but his eyes speaks languages I understand. Langage that tells me that it’s not like me, to be so ashamed of myself. 

His face crushed into something like sadness for a second, and he turn away from me. I hid my face in my hands. I couldn’t bare it. 

« It’s for your own good. I’m sorry if you feel like…I’m manspleaning you or... » 

My eyes went wide, my mind; blank. Thrilling. 

« Don’t say it » I said, grabbing his collar. I didn’t wanted him to say that. Not now. I didn’t want this to be a topic which could cross his mind. I wanted us free from this stupid duality that was over us constantly, at least, when we were together. And to do so, he had to absolute never bring this up. Not in this court, not in this temple of gender neutrality I had build up in my head. He couldn’t to this to me. 

His breath was all over my face, humid and minty. His jawline battling under his pale skin. My nails had banged on his throat, meeting his collarbones, strong and structuring his body. But they weren’t carrying any pounds of him, my fingers were, almost white under the pressure. His moles warrants of his face. 

I was too close. 

I let go immediatly, ashamed of my own violence. I had over dont it. Like this day with the chewing-gum, or at Komori’s party. I let go and covered my face. 

« Don’t excuse yourself…It’s…I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m acted like a big bitch just now and…I know more than everyone that you’re worthy of it. » 

We stayed silent in front of the gym window, no knowing what to say. Sakusa looked bothered for a second, and finally arranged to cloak of his jacket. Calm, as strange as it seems. I was excepting him to get angry, I would have deserved it, but he just chuckled. My heart missed a hit. 

« They reeks of cherry tree. » 

What? Must have been totally readable on my face. He laughed even more, and it was child like. Hiting notes that remedied me oh their voices before some men sports in their throat. 

« Your hands. They reeks of cherry tree. » 

The image of the tube in my bag got me nervous. But not only, by saying so, Sakusa was affirming that he'll accept my excuses, that he understood those new feelings. 

« It’s…Because it’s the spring. » but in fact, I was still buy the cream he once offered to me, a couple of years ago. He smiled. 

« Nice nails too. » I took a look them. They were round shape, short, but paint with a pink veneer clear enough so the school administration wouldn’t notice it. I clench my fist. He was doing it on purpose. He was teasing me. 

« You should stop caring about me that much! » I mocked, not believing in my own words. But Sakusa re-arranged the mask on his face, letting his dimples appear to my sight. 

« You know I can’t help but let things unfinished… Stop blabbering now, let’s head home. We’ll come tomorrow, together. »

I took a look at the light cloud wandering freely in the spring sky. I though my heart would burst out of my chest and explose everywhere on him. It looks gross and cheesy.   
But damn. That felt good. 

« That’s what being passionate, I guess. Like blossoming. »


	38. m.b. - again with the serenade

« Naru Uehara? » 

« What the…You? Again with the training? » 

« I have to tell you something. » 

« Waw, am I getting a really serenade this time? » 

« Naru. »

« Euh...Kyoomi? » 

« … »

« Hurry the finals are stressing me out! » 

« You better be serious about it this time! »

« What’s with the grumpy face? » 

« … » 

« What did I do this time? » 

« I swear if you just keep following Motoya and I, I’m really going to be angry at you! »

« What? »

And like that, he vanished in the clearing.


	39. memory saved

I had no right to join. 

Not because I couldn’t play. That wasn’t it. I trained everyday, never dropped the ball even if sometimes I was less concentrate while doing my daily activities. How could I have stopped completely with those two making noise at my window? 

But even if a had the level to, I still couldn’t join. Cause all this time, I had missed something important, something which makes me hate myself and in the same time not blame me either. 

They weren’t my teammates. 

Not once I had shared their dreams, I just used them as a way to get what I wanted, to feel like a wasn’t slacking of, to stay at the same level as the talented family I wasn’t a part off. 

It was selfish of me to impose myself, and yet the jacket was so heavy on my shoulders, like the tones of frustration and deception of the ones left on the bench, then why did it still felt relieving to get one? 

It was terrible of me. And it was about time that I stopped weighing on people, on their hard works, and the way they wanted to share it. Volley is not something you play alone.

I had been so stupid not to realize it sooner. 

It was over for me, and even if I felt terrible, something in me made me feel like it was the right thing to do. 

First thing I did was going to the boys changing rooms. Takeo was there, as well as the coaches. They sighed while seeing me coming, but their tired faces were soon replaced by the vision of the ground. And my raspy voice, unsure and humble like it rarely was. 

« I wanted to excuse myself, for the fuss I made last time. And also…Last year. I know I’m famous among the coaches and Mr Kurozawa has probably told you about my weird habit and…I realized how bad and ungrateful it was towards everyone who is working to act the way I did. Please forgive me. » 

« What do you plan to do next? » 

Asked the Coach. I took a look at the buzzing neon of the room. 

« What’s best for my team. » 

« Then don’t lose a single minute. » and like that he returned to his activities, and I left the room, taking a whole new breath. Only to be grabbed by the ponytail. 

« Motoy- »

« Did you really excused yourself to someone? » 

« Tss. Let me go I have something to do. »

« Your eyes are red, what happened? » Sakusa tend to close his eyes while he concentrate, it’s the opposite for Komori Motoya. Focused, his face pauses, his clear eyes widen, letting his pupils dilate and it seems like they don’t blink. As if time stopped, and the only way to make it back in track, is for him to get what he wants. Like one of those old western statues staring at something we can’t perceive, or a predator waiting for its prey. It’s intimidating. 

« It’s ok, I’m doing good. Don’t worry ok? » 

His gaze didn't left mine for a whole moment, we were speaking, without words, no, only with feelings. A sights escaped from his lips, his eyes closed, probably dried out. 

« ‘kay » 

I was ready to pass through the door the leave their part of the gymanisium but Sakusa was crossed arms, in front of the door. I sighed. We kept staying like that for a second, then he let me pass. 

Before grabbing my shirt. The move took me a bit aback, but I didn’t complain. It was the first time he was the one intruding the other's safe space. 

« You better do the right thing. » He looked so sure of himself, but his voice and skeptical look assured me he wasn’t. His hand on the yellow jacket, the one he handled to me. 

« You’re gonna rip it, please. » 

« You’re not that caring towards your belongings, Naru. » 

The abyss again, I felt it. But this time it wasn’t not in the deepness of his eyes, it was the reflect of my own. I couldn’t help but smirk. 

« How can you always guess my next move? » I asked. Oh God, he was not only pissed, he was damn angry. 

« Because I wouldn't be able to follow you otherwise, please tell me. » 

His breath was spreading all over my face. The words were fresh and zesty. Strong and squeezing. Almost as to order, almost as to beg. 

Someone cut us, and after a short while, Sakusa let go of my shirt. His hands was trembling. 

« Ok, I’ll manage, guys. » Mina squeezed my shoulder, intimating me to take a few step away from Sakusa, and I did. 

« Thanks, Mina. » said Motoya, a bit more surprised than he usually was when I would argue with his cousin. But this time was different, he felt it too. The seniors shared a look before we went our ways, Komori following his cousin, Mina directing me toward the door.

I opened my mouth. 

« Mina, I wanted to talk to you about someth- »

« What if we go grabbed something to drink? My treat. » 

She was not the type of person to cut others, and in a way it meant that she knew why I came.  
We walked outside of the gymnasium, under the courtyard where the vending machine was located. She took a few coins out of her pocket and click two times before the noise bumped in the tub. She re-did it again, before passing me the juice. It was a can of cola, the one I always take. 

I accept it in a whisper, wrapping my hands around it before getting further on a bench. The sun was shining today, and I remembered that it was almost the first day of summer. Soon enough the heat would begin to moisten our uniforms, and mosquito bites will redden our tired bodies. 

« It’s my last summer here. » said Mina. And the fact that it was already wearing a form of nostalgia in it made my heart ache. I though of Motoya, from the same generation as hers. 

« It’s not too late. That’s what I meant. » 

A sad laugh escaped my lips. Optimism! Just like every captain should act. 

« Don’t feel obligated towards me cause.. »

Mina quit staring at the void and turn to me, her short hair messed up as they always were, her eyes sparkling with sweetness and quietude. 

« I never felt obligated towards you as an individual, Naru. That’s why I never interfered with that weird manie of yours to always sneak with boys and stuff. The only thing that matters for me was - and still is - the team. » 

« But I’m a weight for the team? » 

« It would be a lie to say that sometimes you weren’t… » Memories of all the times she would catch me hanging with Motoya, or making fun of Sakusa while helping him stretching my knees on his back, before dragging me by the ear so I would get back in my part of the court came back to me.

She would yell at me, but not once she told me to stop doing so or made me feel bad for it. 

« What didn’t you say nothing? » I asked. 

« Because that’s how you were. As long as you did what had to be done, the rest didn’t matter. » 

We stayed in silence for a second, the chips of birds in the trees around us projecting our shadows on the pebbled ground. 

« I know what your problem is! » 

« It’s individuality... No…I mean…The problem is especially that I’m letting the team by itself and… »

« You’re doing that because you feel like you belong somewhere else. And that’s totally fine. » 

Her confession took me a bit aback, and as to help me breath again, the wind rose. 

« It’s my fault, I was older than you and I never found the correct words. » 

« Words for what? » 

« To tell you we wanted to play with you. That, just like you want to be with Komori and Sakusa, we wanted to be with you. » 

« Waw, I though I was good at hiding it but everyone seem to notice it but them. » 

« Everyone knows it, especially them. » 

« What? » 

« Naru…No one is blind. And every volley player in this damn school knows that you three have a particular dynamic. That’s why no one never interfered. I guess, we were admirative of it in a way, even envious. It’s natural for you to play together, most of the time you just toss easy ball and stuff but…We feel it, that weird connection build out of trust and time. You’re teammates. But that doesn’t mean, you can’t also team with us too, you see? » 

The image of the girls I played with, how fun it was, even if it never felt the same. Maybe if a I had let them more spaces, maybe if a had been less stubborn we could have been…

« It’s not too late » she repeated. 

I took a look at the boys on the other side of the court. The probably know about it too, about our the special link between Motoya and Kyoomi, but still they tried to interact with them, to share a bond, to create it. Cause, the only thing that was necessary wasn’t blood, or time. It was a simple thing, almost an accident or fate I don’t know, that brought all this different people in the same place, with the same goal. To play volley-ball. 

Mina was right. That was it. What passion was. What was bothering me. 

My dream did took the trait of a boy, but he wasn’t one. It was a dream of my own, I just had to connect to it. Cause there is a thing I almost forgot, completely blind by the light that struck in the back of my memory every time I’m remembering it. 

The day in the clearing, the ball he threw, was the one Motoya saved and the one I passed.

« What’s best for your team is not that you leave, is that you play. So Naru, would you like to get back in your place, and do us the only thing that matter in this court? To toss us? »

That was it. I took a look at Mina, standing in front of me, beaming with the sunlight filtering thought the green leaves. Flowers exploding everywhere around us, their petals wreathing like soft confettis, celebrating the spring, seasons of blossoms.

I grabbed her hand.


	40. girls like girls unlike boys do

« That’s it for today, girls » said Mina, sweating like crazy. The early summer sun had set for a long time, and in the sizzling lights of the outside lamps, we began to tidy up behind us. 

« I’m drained out! » whispered one of our kouhai. The tiredness in her voice completely expressed the mental state we were all in. In was the last day of the summer camp after a not-so-easy season of qualifications. Full of victories maybe, but also lots of luck. 

The summer camp was out last occasion to do adjustments. Not as personal player like I use to think, but as a team. 

It was the same, the one I have envied so much on boys. That mark all of us would be sharing with the new hope of getting ready for the national tournament. Our skin, tanned by the sun melting with the redness of our tired but stronger muscles. Build with the hope ouf our dream. 

A dream more reachable, and so more vulnerable. In the shadows of the dried leaves, I saw it again. 

The clearing thing. 

Shared passion, you can be part off. That was it. My dream. I had been so obsessed with a single image, that I forgot the context in which it was taken. That the problem with memories is that we can only get a few visions of it, a feeling, an instant. Sometimes, time must pass on in to put a bit of order in those messy visions. 

And, I’m grateful that this time has come. Under the encouragements of everyone, I took my courage and finally get back in my place. Not the one I was forced to join, but the one where I could really make a change, an impact. 

How can you proclaim that girls are the same, worth the same, can do the same, but still stick to boys? What’s the matter of proclaiming all that, if it’s just to your benefit, but not the one of people who struggled like you? 

A team. Mine. 

It’s not as easy and natural as it was with the boys. But, I began to get the mecanism. It’s cool being with the young ones. They push me to think that maybe all this uncertainty will mean something, and be useful to someone else. Do Mina think the same when she looks at me, is she proud of herself? 

« Spacing out Naru? » she asked me, in the bus while we were coming back to school.

« Yeah, Thinking about the winter's arrival. » 

« Want to play? » 

To play. I always did. 

But it’s not like in middle school, out of pride towards Motoya and Kyoomi. It’s different. It still out of ego, but for me. For Mina. It’s not from hunger, it’s from gluttony. And when I think of all the people, in my team, in my city, everywhere on the archipelago, my belly growls. 

But I can’t help, but think about my people. And how I’d love to see, how we would all look in our team uniform in one of the biggest court of the country. 

« Worse. Want to win. » 

Mina laughed. I smiled back. 

« This selfishness is normal. And At the end of the fall, we’ll know if we deserved it. » 

Mina gaze were somewhere else, she was a senior, I’ve seen this look in Motoya’s eyes before hers. I have never been able to bring him anywhere he was looking at, but for Mina. It was possible. 

Maybe I could offer her that. 

I didn’t understand what it meant. I was focus on a scar that opens individually every month, like it was the only characteristic of my body. It’s not. There's more to it. There's more to me, to us. To girls.

I was out of the gymnasium, gourd in head, hair sticking on my forehead because of the sweat. And for a second I thought, "and what if it was over?"

« Why am I thinking about it, now » I whispered, throwing my head on my textbook. The maths class was somewhere far away from me, but the question was so vivid and stingy, that all the equations of the world wouldn’t have hurt as much. 

All my thoughts were about the camp practice. A couple of mouths were separating us for the. competition, but this made me feel like maybe, I wasn’t ready, it was too late.   
I was chewing my sulkiness when a head posed itself on my elbow. It was a small one, with long nails and jewelries. 

« Akiko? » 

I haven’t seen her since the last time we went chasing for different clubs. It has only been a couple of holiday weeks. Yet it felt like another life. 

Akiko looked quite uneasy. Almost shy. She opened the mouth a couple of times, before her gaze met mine, flushed. 

« I saw you during the camp. And…You know when I told you about going out and stuff. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t want you to regret. And even if I would adore hanging with you more after school, doing girly things and all. I would be even happier to know that you did what you really wanted. » 

I was completely silent. I couldn’t speak, brought back in the court where I had saw Mayu, Hana and her back getting away from a sight, to a place I thought was brighter and better for me. 

« What if we still do both? » murmured Hana, coming for behind. And I smiled. 

« I’d love that. After the training, we could maybe…Go to this new coffee shop? » 

Mayu was also there. Playing with her fingers. 

« The one which opened near the station! » 

I smiled at the girls. I was so lucky to have them. My boyish stubbornness was nothing to be proud of in this right moment. Girls are more unsure, more changing, maybe. But they accept that nature and their feelings. Always taking new variables into account, always trying to make sure the situation is settled in the best way to please everyone. Welcoming changes, and evolutions. 

I was so lucky to have such empathetic people around me. And what fool would want them to be different? 

« Yeah…Sounds like a good plan. »


	41. I don't want to feel regrets and that's enough

« You there? » I asked, surprise to find Kyoomi alone in my backyard. It has been a few hours since they came back, and I thought he went home to finally take a shower in his own washroom, with his own towels. Instead he was looking tired and dirty and the sight was so unusual that my uneasiness from last time was almost forgotten. 

« I sneaked in. » he said. And my lips crackled in a smile. I tried to refrain it but failed. Sakusa’s suffisance was totally readable. 

The summer breeze was chillier, announcing us that the winter was at our doors, with gifts and surprises from the cold. Contrary to my sunburned nose, Sakusa’s tan was healthy and shinny, from the sunscreen and the camp. He sat next to me, he smelled like sweat and after-shave. The boy he used to be didn’t smell like that. But he wasn’t not that boy anymore. 

« I came to say I was sorry. » 

My laugh vibrated in my courtyard, before running away in the empty streets bitterly sweet. 

« Sorry, I though you came to say « sorry » ! » 

« Naru, I’m sorry. I really am. Though, I didn’t lie when I said you sounded hollow. » 

Waw. Straight to the point, as always but his tone and gaze were totally different. More childish, which for him was probably a sign of maturity. 

« He. You’re getting on my nerves. » but I didn’t blame him for it. I understood. Because, he was right. I had not been myself. 

The stars were shining brightly, even covered by the dusty clouds of pollution the Tokyo’s sky were filled with. They say they are the remains of the past, and the way they were crossing the night mist was a pretty to show that the truth is so clear, it can’t be tarnished. 

« I never wanted to be in your shadows. I wanted to be in your light. » The stars would have giggled if they heard the whisper that passed trough that thick wall of ego. But he heard it, and it was enough to feel mocked. 

« You still don’t get did, do you? » His voice was calm but a hint of annoyance was making it crack a bit before reaching my ears. 

« Don’t use anyone lights, yours is truly brilliant enough. » 

« You’re making fun of me? » 

Sakusa sighted, bringing normality into this whole conversation. 

« I swear, I’m not. I’m dazzled in what’s emanating from you, Naru. I’ve always been.  
It’s the same as watching the sun, or the stars in the night sky. It doesn’t tell you anything, you take what you want from it. You’re free to let it make you feel better, or worse. I cherish that kind of freedom. »

Here he goes with the sky and stars bullshit. That kind of ridiculous romanticism is supposed to be something of my own, so why watching him turning it against me is making my heart flutters?

All this time, I was looking for answer. But maybe it’s simple as that. We playing for the game. We giving our our so we don’t have regrets. That’s enough. 

I sighed. And Sakusa went on, opening the juice he hd brought with him. 

« You have the right to be sad, and at least we know that we did everything we could. » 

Cause what’s a scar, if the expression of the pain time has inflicted on you, on the joy that laters replaced the blood from the cut.

« That’s what you said when we put Tori in the grave. You were right. And still if I felt sad, I didn’t regret any of it. And when you don’t regret things, it’s easier to let go. » 

But that wasn’t it. The taste of my tears when I left my island, the courtyard filled dirty balls, the sight of Motoya’s shirts drying on the washing line, Sakusa’s blue masks in the trashcan, Mina’s thousands hairpins, my father being me my favorite juice, the boys pissed gaze when I would go out with some random guy, our conversation on the porch this summer. 

I wanted to keep it. I put the straw in my mouth. 

« Sakusa, I don’t want to feel regrets. But if I had to chose, I wouldn’t want to let go. » 

« I don’t want to feel regrets. And, I don’t want to let go either. » 

The shook must have provoque a thunder to hit the tree, or the water of the bay to pour out on the city. But none of it happen, the courtyard was a silent as before, facing each other worried by the fact that we were agreeing on a certain topic. Sakusa was looking as surprise as me, and the sigh provoked hilarity in both of us. 

I once said he didn’t care, and I truly believe he didn’t but in the same time, I couldn’t help but think that someone so obsessed with doing things right, could simply not don’t give a damn, it’s the opposite. Sakusa cared way too much, and how lucky we were to be under such a care.

« I’m expecting a catastrophe to happen…» 

« I do to, please stop it’s scary… » 

« You’re care-free and joyful and that’s enough… »

« I though you would say something nice for- »

« I mean… » he cleared his throat, his fist trembling lightly. 

« That’s not enough, that’s more that I could wish for. »

The stars were nowhere to be seen. We kept on aspiring our juice in weird bubbling noises. Bitting our straws in the backyard, peach tone on our faces. Dazzled by each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't express how much love I have for them, and I hope you do too


	42. m.b. - fall, exhausted

« How has the camp? »

« All Japan... pfff... It would have sound more exotic if it didn’t happened in Tokyo...»

« Yeah like some girl coming from Okinawa.. »

« Tsss…I was trying to welcome you, but I guess both of you ain’t worthy of my precious time. »

« It’s because I value your precious time that I’m wondering! » 

« Oh… » 

« He hopes you didn’t slack this week, that’s why he meant.. »

« Oh…I though he became nice….I didn’t...in fact, I’m almost surprised at myself. »

« You haven’t sound that confident in ages. »

« He’s right, Naru, it suits you. » 

« That’s nice to hear, after all the nationals are in the corners. Let’s see if you bluffing then! »

« Aren’t you tired? »

But they still played with me and listened to my stories about the preparation of our team, when they had passed the whole week playing with people whose names and skills are today known in the whole country, 'til the night fall as we did, exhausted.


	43. we parted ways

« You look so gloomy » 

« You sound at least as much gloomy as I do » I answered while turning in the direction of the voice. The hall was crowded and colorful, but I know those flashy tints. I was wearing the same. 

« He’s not gloomy, it’s just his usual tone. But you should know, that, right? » 

Motoya Komori, in green-yellowish tracksuit. I was used to see him like that but still, I couldn’t help but smile. 

« Did you see that? he said to his cousin, I can make people feel good in instant, it’s almost a talent! » 

« I think she’s laughing because these colors look terrible on you. » Motoya’s eyebrow flushed and then a hint of fun pass though Sakusa expression. I laughed even more. 

« Number 13, you should pay your respects to the 10. No one wears the colors just as the ace does, right? » 

« It’s going to be ok, just relax » let go Motoya, his dark amber eyes focused on mine. Haaa...I was forcing it. 

« Don’t lie to her : this is absolutely terrifying. » A shiver ran through my spine. They’re are so mean! They don’t have to play today! 

Sakusa glared at me, expressionless for a second before shrugging. He took a good look around him, and shivered. Motoya rolled his eyes in the same time as I did. 

« You should inspire yourself from this guy… » he finally said, he designed that eagle-looking that boy laughed at the top of his lungs. I remember him, I almost find myself cheering for him during the qualifications of The Tokyo Tournaments. I love sparkly personality. 

« You shouldn’t do that, inhaling all the air he breath to scream like this could give you something like a disease or at least a really bad headache.» The voice came from behind me and I observed Motoya saluting him. It was a boy I didn’t know and my thoughts wander tin this place I have came in just as I did today. It was last year.

« Oh, Wakatoshi long time no see. » The vision had surprised me a bit, he seemed even more big than the last time I had seen him in college. Then I remembered. I had felt ashamed for a second, cause I was wearing a skirt and knee socks. I had come here to see them play, not do it myself.

« Sakusa Kyomi, Komori Motoya and Komori’s girlfriend. » I sighed. His nonchalant tone was less grumpy than our fav obnoxious teen boy was, but still really funny to deal with.

« You know saying it every time we bumped into each other is not going to turn it into something real? » 

He had stared a me for a second, and Motoya held back a chuckle. But this year, Wakatoshi wasn’t there. Some Miyagi team have heard Sakusa and Motoya bragged about after they came from the camp had won. I remember him for giving really lively nods at Sakusa, they are the same kind of personality, composed and stern. The one I love to tease. But today, was not the day.

« Can’t believe I’ve wasted one competition in the void » I whispered, my gaze wandering away in my souvenir. Motoya was talking with the boy form the other team, but Sakusa had heard me. 

I ignored the heavy look he gave me and for what over miracle, the boy said something useful and easy-going. I caught him staring at me a couple of times, I was nervous. The boy just made his comments on time. So…This will do. I smiled. 

« And, you are? » 

« Ueraha Naru, 2-grade in the same Academy as them. Left wing spiker. »

« Oh, we play in opposite position » he said. I arched an eyebrow. 

« It’s ok, I’m know how to adapt my posi- » The boys cheeks reddened and I felt something grabbing me from behind. 

« Here you are! Stop flirting and get ready! You forgot your lunch box in the bus… » It was Mina. The captain. Sakusa was just staring at me and I saw him sigh under his mask.

« Thank God …» murmured Motoya.

« She’s can’t help but be a total mess when stressed, I’ll handle it. Let’s do this well, boys. »

« Please take care of this dumbass. Counting on you, too. » Motoya and Sakusa nodded with resolution. I felt the stress reserving in every inch of my body. My distraction was looking at me with compassion. 

« Let’s go check for enemies » said Mina, still grabbing me by the collar. 

« Are you going to be okay, asked Motoya while catching my jacket, the same as his. I was ready to make a comment about my incoming death by strangulation but Sakusa cut me.

« Of course she’s going to be okay. See you on the court, don’t be a dead weight. We’ll be watching. » 

Don’t tell me that. That exactly what’s making me anxious. 

« Yeah, Mrs I-want-to-get-the-hell-away-from-here, find a corner to hide and sink in it! » 

I let Mina drag me wherever she felt like. We looked at each other until we were out of sigh. It was the beginning of the competition. 

We parted ways.


	44. promises iced out in the wind

I couldn’t sleep. So I made sur my mother went sleeping and sneaked out of the house. The cold bite of January attacked my body, still numbed by my bedsheets's heat. It made me feel relieved. I let the slide door open, and pass though the wire mesh. The light of a smartphone almost scared me. 

« What are you doing there? » I asked Motoya. He let emerge his chin from his big scarf and offered me the biggest smile. It was almost midnight. 

« You should be sleeping! » I had whispered at him, a bit pissed of. He rolled his eyes. 

« Breaking news : you should also be sleeping! » He was right. And in fact, it would have been a lie to say that I wasn’t happy to find him there. I sat next to him, and he enrolled me in his blanket. It smelled of wood and pine thorns. He’s named after the words "old forest", and he’s no longer a young sprout. I love how this sent always remind me of him. Thought the fact that he smelled like a man could make me teary. I snuggled against the boy. 

« You didn’t jump by the window? » he asked. 

« Of course not! I’m not that dumb. » 

« Just to check… » 

I had rolled my eyes and he chuckled. His voice echoed in the backyard, drowned in a the darkness of a moonless night. Clouds were all over the sky, grey and steamy. I rubbed my hands against each other to fight the chilliness banging in my bones. 

« Can’t sleep? » 

« Maybe. That’s not really it. » I looked at Motoya for a second, he must have waited a lot in the fresh garden, his nose was red. I pinched it with my fingers. 

« You’re freezing cold! You weren’t waiting for me, weren’t you? » 

« Yeah, and you took longer that I thought! » 

« You know I would come? » I exclaimed. He grinned at me, his weird eyebrows wrinkling on his forehead. Seriously…

« You’re really my best friend. » I concluded. And he laughed, his body quivering against mine. 

« C’mon…Let go of what’s troubling your night, you’re quite a lucky girl, you know that? » he finally said. This time I’m the one who laughed. Yes. Such a lucky girl. 

I told Motoya about my anxiety, about tomorrow and even the days after. How I wanted to excuse myself to this team I had bother so much with my foolishness. I though again about Mina, about the sport jacket she had left on my porch after the terrible treachery I had indulged on the team.

« If you already talking about the other day, it’s quite a good news. You’re confident. » 

« Is it a bad thing? » 

« No. Just…Tomorrow, I’ll hope you’ll keep that confidence and don’t let the pressure crackle it. It’s your most precious trait, after all! » 

I didn’t know what he meant, but soon enough I would find out. We stayed in silence for a instant like this, our sleepy toes disappearing in the winter air. But Motoya’s voice burst that bubble of silence. 

« Stop mutilate yourself with what happened in April. Everyone is used to your inscription to the boys team before the girl’s. You’re known for that. Naru Uehara, the pretty girl who acted the way she fucking wants. No one would like you otherwise. » 

« I don’t know…I think I really it hunted them this time. I still remember how they were happy when I joined back the team after knowing that I had stopped the last year in middle school. But still, I wasn’t always invested the way I should and… »

« At the end of the day, you did what you could. » 

« What? » 

« That’s what I like to think when I go to sleep after a match. You can’t change what has been done in the past, or know if your regrets will really make a change in the futur. All you can be certain of is that, right here, right now, you're doing what you can. » 

Komori stopped talking for a moment, his hazel eyes fixing something I couldn’t see in front of him. What was it? Victory? Regret? A way to make him look cooler than he already was? 

« Naru, nobody’s perfect. And nobody is expecting you to be perfect, either. You have your own dreams, your owns resolutions. It’s totally fine. If people wanted to be alone they would play something like golf or Kyudo. Volley-ball is not like that. It has its own dynamics. That’s why we have teammates. Because we love challenges, because we love the group. » 

The group? I couldn’t say anything. But for whatever reason it was, his words touched my heart and made me feel lighter than I felt this past three years. I grabbed his arms with mine, resting my head on his shoulder. 

« I could totally fall in love with you at times like this… »

Motoya burst out laughing, scaring a sleepy birds in the process. 

« Dear, don’t jinx it! » 

« Sorry contrary to you, I let go, this is my first time. » 

His eyes wandered far away, in the tournament of last year or maybe the one coming. Maybe both. 

« First times are scary and exiting. That’s the funny part. » 

« I guess you’re right. I expected other kind of shivers down my spine, though. » 

« ’know what you mean. My butt is completely iced on the wood. » 

Motoya and I chuckled, vapor diffusing from our mouth to the misty skies. Muffling us with the cold blanket of promises and engagements you’re unsure to fulfill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......probably one of my fav chapter out there....dont know why


End file.
